Horse Sense and Heart Sense
by GunShy1
Summary: No one ever hurt Matt Dillon the way Jude Bonner did. This is my last foray into the mind of my favorite horse from the heydays of the great American Western. MM and ATC to Hostage! Season 18, Episode 13, Written by Paul Edwards, Directed by Gunnar Hellstrom. Some dialogue is directly quoted or paraphrased.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Notes: I sincerely thank Emmint for providing the inspiration for this story through her imaginative series, Buck Remembers. It is definitely a challenge to write an entire story from the perspective of a horse, even if he is an exceptionally brilliant horse. I also thank LilyJack for her encouragement, editorial assistance, and, most importantly, her assurances regarding a story written entirely from the perspective of a horse.

 _They all died the same way hard and fast and hating something. It's the hate a man carries that destroys him. It's not the bullets. Hate can twist and sicken him till he's no good to anybody, including himself. And that's a bad thing to watch._

Matt Dillon in "Doc's Revenge" -Season 1, episode 29. Written by John Dunkel. Directed by Ted Post.

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 1: Hate

Buck's thoughts drifted back to the terrible time when Jude Bonner had taken her. For Buck, it had been the worst of times in his long history with his human. It had almost cost Matt his life and his… soul. Buck figured that if Kitty had died, nothing could have saved Matt from self-destruction. The man he had carried on that long ride from Hays to Dodge had been like a stranger to him. The confident and near unflappable lawman Buck knew so well was replaced by a man filled with darkness, fear, guilt, and hate.

It all started with Matt arresting an outlaw in a no account town. It had been a black night with the rain falling in soaking sheets. Fiery fingers of white lightning had intermittently reached across the sky, erasing the darkness as nearly concurrent peals of thunder obliterated the incessant drumming sound of the rain. The flashes of lightning made the intervening darkness even blacker. Matt had been tracking a small band of wanted men for days, and now the rain had washed away the tracks. But Matt had doggedly continued on and silently ridden into a small town in the middle of nowhere, the rain and the mud muffling even the sounds of Buck's footfalls. The only signs of life emanated from the saloon, which was lit by flickering yellow light. Matt thoughtfully walked Buck up on the boardwalk near the saloon so that he would be out of the rain. Buck always appreciated the little extra things Matt did for him. The only other horse in the nearly deserted town stood out in the downpour, tethered to a hitching post. Matt walked into the saloon and a few minutes later walked out with his prisoner. The man's cronies were gone without a trace, but Matt had at least one prisoner to show for those long hard days on the trail. There had been no shooting and no fighting. Buck judged it an exceptionally peaceful arrest. It turned out the poor horse huddled in the rain belonged to the unfortunate outlaw. Buck couldn't say he thought much of a man who would leave his horse tied out in the rain like that. It was a remarkably ordinary beginning to an extraordinarily terrible time.

All the way back to Dodge, the callow prisoner whined and threatened, warning the Marshal that his big brother, Jude Bonner, and his dog soldiers, would burn Kansas to the ground before they let the law hang him, that there would be blood, that the Marshal in particular would be sorry because Jude would make him pay. Matt was seemingly unmoved by the threats. Bringing outlaws to justice regardless of the consequences was his job. Matt first delivered Virgil Bonner to Dodge where he was convicted of murder and sentenced to hang and then to Hays City where Virgil Bonner did, indeed, hang.

Buck knew something was wrong even before the hanging, but he hadn't known exactly what. He had seen a highly distraught Newly gallop into the stable in Hays and leave his horse before racing out onto the street. In those few brief moments while Newly dismounted, Buck saw blood on Newly's shirt and clear evidence that he had been beaten. Those observations propelled Buck straight into worry mode. Most times, Buck loved being a horse, but being left in the dark like this was decidedly problematic. It never even occurred to Newly that Buck would want to know what news he brought, that Buck would be worried. Questioning Newly's horse had been fruitless; he didn't know anything that Buck hadn't already guessed: Something really bad had happened in Dodge.

Buck was stuck in his stall without even any conversations to eavesdrop on. He had been a bit of a wreck. Then, shortly after the hanging, Matt and Newly had rushed into the stable and quickly started saddling up. As soon as Buck saw Matt, he knew that whatever had happened was even worse than he imagined. The light that Buck always saw in Matt was gone, replaced by darkness. Matt looked like what Buck imagined a man who had been to hell and hadn't found his way back might look like. His lip was curled with hate and his eyes were sunken, the warm blue replaced with flat black showing no spark of life.

A tense Newly, still wearing his bloody shirt, tried to offer comfort. "Look, Marshal, we…we don't know…what happened. All we know is Bonner took her. You've done everything you can. You talked to the governor to try to stop the hanging. You even tried to talk Virgil into brokering a trade—you for her."

Buck knew, the her Newly spoke of had to be Kitty Russell.

"Yeah, Newly," Matt snarled. "I did everything I could. I arrested Virgil Bonner and because of that they took her. I couldn't stop them from hanging Virgil Bonner and because of that…because of that..." Matt dropped his head, unable to verbalize the thought. He swallowed and leaned forward, resting against his saddle, his fingers entwined in Buck's mane. "But the worst thing, the worst thing of all is that they took her because I love her and I…I knew better." With those final bitter words, Matt lifted his head, finished attaching his bedroll, climbed into his saddle, and dug his heels into Buck's sides. As Buck roared out of the stable and galloped out of town and onto the road towards Dodge, he wished he could outrun the pain of what he had just heard. Buck now knew why Newly had come to Hays, and he wished he didn't.

There were no more words between the two men as they raced towards Dodge. Even when they had stopped to allow Buck and Newly's horse time to rest, there had been no words. Buck could plainly see that Matt was in no mood for talking and Newly knew it, too. Each man was isolated, alone with his own dark thoughts as they hastened towards Dodge. Buck knew that while both men were physically focused on getting to Dodge as quickly as possible, the pre-eminent thoughts running through each one's mind had to be where was Kitty and was she still alive. Buck was painfully aware that with Virgil Bonner dead, there would be no reason for Jude Bonner to keep her alive. He knew that Matt carried that same awareness, an awareness that smothered hope, and extinguished the warm comforting presence Buck associated with his human, leaving behind an empty pit of darkness.

Many times Buck had heard Matt tell Kitty that as a lawman, he had no right to a wife or a family. He regularly reminded her that anyone close to him was at risk. It was a fear Matt carried with him always. There had been many times in their long relationship when Buck had seen Matt try to pull away, warning Kitty that it was too dangerous for her to be around him. But Matt couldn't stay away and she didn't want him to. Matt was the moth to Kitty's flame. Only it was Kitty that Matt feared would be burned.

On the long trip home, Buck, like the two men, had plenty of time to think, and he didn't much like his thoughts. Matt was the most important person in Buck's world, but Kitty was a close second. In Buck's mind, they were so intertwined that he couldn't imagine one without the other. Right now Buck feared he might lose them both. Buck knew that they both had a desperate love for one another, but he had always believed that Matt, in particular, needed Kitty. He was inherently incomplete without her. The casual observer often mistakenly thought the opposite. They saw the bigger than life iconic Marshal as completely self-sufficient. Buck knew better. He had seen him broken.

Buck understood that Kitty was one of the few people Matt let inside the hard shell he used to protect himself from the world, the only one with whom he felt safe sharing his pain and inner turmoil, and even his love. Matt was a killer. He killed to uphold the law, and protect the weak and innocent, but Buck knew that it still ripped him up inside. Sometimes the men he killed haunted him. It was Kitty who helped him both keep his humanity and deal with the guilt that sometimes nearly overwhelmed him. It was the man inside the hard shell that allowed Matt to temper justice with compassion. It was the dichotomy of that hard outer shell and the compassionate inner man with an iron core that made Matt one of the best lawmen the west had ever seen. But without Kitty, the hard façade might take over the entire man. And if that happened, Matt would be little different than the killers and spoilers he had spent his life bringing to justice. Right now, the risk for Matt was that the compassionate man that lived inside that shell would be broken and unfixable, leaving behind nothing but a shell and a heartless killer.

Buck's world was shattering as he steadily carried Matt back to Dodge. Even with Kitty's fate unknown, Buck could feel a coldness emanating from Matt that he had never felt before. Matt's comforting presence deep inside Buck was gone. The warm core of the man chillingly replaced by ice. Buck didn't want to think about what would happen if Bonner killed Kitty. Buck knew Matt blamed himself. He heard the pain in those last words Matt had spoken to Newly. 'They took her because I loved her and I knew better.' Buck knew that every living thing needed to love and be loved. Why Matt thought that he could, or even should, deprive himself of love made no sense to Buck.

Finally they reached Dodge. As soon as they rounded the bend onto Front Street, they immediately saw the somber crowd gathered at the foot of Doc's stairs. Both riders pulled their horses to a halt in front of the Long Branch and rapidly dismounted. Matt dropped the reins to the ground, not even bothering to secure Buck. They knew, Kitty must be up there in Doc's office, a supposition that the men milling around in the street quickly confirmed. Buck watched as Matt rushed up the stairs to face his future. Soon Sam, and Festus came down those same stairs. Buck listened as Sam and Festus shared that Kitty was bad off and that Doc had said he'd done all he could. Matt was alone with her. They all hoped him being there would help.

Buck, still saddled and ready, patiently stood outside the Long Branch as day turned to night, but still Matt did not return. Buck wasn't alone during his vigil as the citizens of Dodge also waited. Buck carefully listened to the conversations around him, but no one seemed to know much. He learned that Kitty had selflessly surrendered to Bonner to save the men of Dodge, that Bonner had returned her in terrible condition, and then he had shot her down in cold blood as she struggled toward the Long Branch. No one seemed to know more, so like Buck, they waited and hoped. As long as Matt remained up there, Buck knew Kitty still lived.

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

" _In moments of pain, we seek revenge."_

Ami Ayalon 

**Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 2: Revenge

It was nearly sunrise when Matt appeared in the doorway of Doc's office, then walked purposefully down the steps. He spoke to no one. Buck saw that there was no badge pinned to his chest. Two small holes in his shirt served as a subtle testimonial to all who saw that this man would no longer be fettered by the constraints of law.

Matt came straight to Buck. Buck was relieved to see the dead blackness gone from his eyes, replaced by blue steel. That alone assured Buck that Kitty must still live. Newly and Festus fell in line behind the lawman following him like shadows. Matt turned and addressed them, quietly and resolutely, "Not this time boys."

Equally resolutely, Festus responded, "Well, we're going by ourselves then, me and Newly. But we're going."

Matt had not argued. He climbed into the saddle and rode out of town as the first glow of a new day began to show on the horizon. Festus and Newly and what sounded to Buck like about twenty additional horsemen followed. Matt ignored them, keeping Buck at a steady canter as he trailed after Bonner and his dog soldiers. Whenever Matt stopped to check for signs of his quarry, Festus and Newly would catch up and talk to him, but he ignored their existence. The rest of the men were there, too, but they hung back, keeping a distance from the dark and forbidding figure who had been their Marshal.

Buck was exhausted, but he knew Matt wouldn't stop until Jude Bonner killed him or he killed Jude Bonner. With the lack of caution his human was showing as he raced after the fleeing outlaws, Buck figured there was a good chance it would be the former. Buck tried and failed to get a feel for his human's state of mind. There was a wall between them that hadn't been there before. And while Matt seemed more himself since he had seen Kitty, there was still an icy aura around him. He'd left the law back in Dodge with his badge and he seemed focused on only one thing: killing Jude Bonner. He sought not justice, but vengeance. Unbridled hate ruled the man and survival wasn't part of his plan; the moth had found a way to escape the flame.

As they closed in on the Wind River Mountain Range, Matt, apparently deciding that Festus and Newly were not going to go away on their own, finally acknowledged their presence. From astride Buck, he faced Festus' gaze squarely and quietly addressed the man's concerns, "Festus, I know what you're saying. I appreciate it, but this is something I gotta do alone." He sounded very normal and reasonable, but Buck knew he was definitely neither of those things.

In response to exactly how he would do it alone, Matt had responded, "Jude Bonner's got his pride. I'm gonna call him out in front of his men." Then he had taken a deep breath and nodding his head, a slight anticipatory smile gracing his features, had confidently added, "He'll come."

A disbelieving and concerned Festus, plaintively responded, "You ain't coming out, Matthew. If you go in there all by your ownself."

Still sounding like the reasonable Marshal they knew and respected, Matt continued, "Festus, the Dodge men are no match for those dog soldiers. I want you to turn around and take them home." There was a pause—Buck figured he was thinking about the bond of brotherhood he shared with these men. Then he continued, "We been together a long time. Too long to make any speeches. Been a lot of good years."

Buck recognized this as the closest Matt would come to a farewell, and he figured Festus and Newly knew that as well. Then Matt gave Buck a sharp kick to his ribs, and Buck had carried the man away from his friends. Buck could hear the rest of the men from Dodge ride up to join Festus and Newly as he and his rider disappeared over the rise.

Buck continued the mad race across the tablelands into the shadow of the Wind River Mountains, carrying Matt towards his rendezvous with revenge and death. They were alone now. The comforting shadow of Festus, Newly and the men from Dodge was gone. Buck wished he could reason with his human, remind him that Kitty would need him. Alive or dead, she wouldn't like his death wish one bit. But of course, he was only a horse, and all he could do was carry the man on his lonely, hate-filled quest. To his dying breath, Buck would do what Matt asked of him. Buck figured Matt had convinced himself that he was doing it for Kitty, but really, it was all about Matt. No one had ever hurt Matt the way Jude Bonner had. Buck was sure Kitty didn't want revenge; she probably just wanted Matt, whole and safe, and with her.

Inevitably, they rode right up on the gang, just like Matt planned. The good news was the dog soldiers hadn't blown Matt right out of the saddle at first sight. Matt could at least try to implement the rest of his plan, which, near as Buck could figure, was that Matt would kill Bonner and get his revenge and then the dog soldiers would kill Matt.

As soon as he saw them arrayed across the trail in front of him, Matt pulled Buck to a halt, and shouted, "Bonner, Jude Bonner."

The quick reply had come, "You're talking, law."

"I'm here to kill ya." the erstwhile Marshal had cooly responded.

"What are you gonna do, talk me to death, Dillon?" had been Jude's sarcastic response. Buck listened to the dog soldiers laughing at Bonner's wittiness. Buck considered the odds and, despite them, judged Bonner a little over confident. Buck figured that no matter what happened next, Bonner was a dead man. He just wished his human at least cared if he survived.

Matt, a predatory smile curling his lip, menacingly replied, "No, I thought I might take you apart with my bare hands." Buck could feel the hate emanating from Matt as he had derisively added, "That is, if you like to fight men as well as you do women."

Bonner angrily responded, "You ride on up here and we'll see who likes to do what."

Head held high, Buck carried his long-time rider towards Bonner's men. He watched Bonner dismount and, with his sharp hearing, clearly heard Bonner's instruction to the man nearest him, "If I lose it, you shoot him down." It was nothing more than what Buck expected. Sadly he knew that while his human hadn't heard the exchange, it was precisely what he anticipated, and he didn't care. All Matt cared about was killing Bonner, making him pay, making him lose, like he had lost.

As Matt had ridden right up to Bonner, who now stood in front of the mounted dog soldiers. Buck saw the grudging respect on the faces of the dog soldiers, but he still knew, badge or no badge, they would like nothing more than killing this icon of the law. As Matt pulled Buck to a stop, he called out, "All right, Bonner, it's your move."

Bonner's only move was to drop his weapons, which Matt accepted as a signal to dismount and drop his weapons as well.

Buck could see the dark hatred churning in the depths of Jude Bonner's eyes as he flatly stated, "Blood gets blood. That's the way the preacher's talk it."

Matt disdainful reply was, "You know a lot about preachers, do ya?"

Bonner came to what, for him, was the crux of the matter. "I know it was you hung my kid brother."

Matt's disgust with the man was clearly evident. "He hung himself. I just brought him in."

"Well, it don't matter. I lose, you lose."

Matt wanted Bonner to know he had failed and goaded him. "A man like you's got no way to win. She lived." Sadly, Buck had seen and heard enough to know that at least part of that was a lie. Kitty might be alive, but Bonner had hurt her, and Matt, and hurt them badly. They both had lost plenty, and Matt was hell bent on making sure they both lost even more. Even if Matt survived this encounter, which seemed nearly impossible, Buck was not sure he would ever recover. Still, with those words a great weight lifted from Buck. Until that moment, he had thought, but not been certain, that Kitty still lived.

Buck had little time to dwell on that happiness before Bonner, visibly disturbed that he had not succeeded in taking Kitty away from this man, who he desperately wanted to hurt, had hotly responded, "I got a way to win. You give it to me." Buck watched as those last words pushed Matt over the edge and he attacked.

Buck hated finding himself in agreement with the vile Bonner, but he was right. Matt had given Bonner a way to win.

The fight was brutal as both men traded blows under the watchful eyes of the mounted dog soldiers surrounding them. Buck could feel red-hot hate roiling off both men, a normal emotion for Bonner, but wrong for Matt. So wrong. One of the dog soldiers tried to intervene, another tossed Bonner a knife. But Matt's hate fueled quest for revenge could not be thwarted. The fight ended as suddenly as it began. Bonner was on the ground and Matt stood over him, hate blazing in his eyes, a large rock raised over his head as he prepared to crush Bonner's head. Simultaneously, one of Bonner's henchmen had pulled and cocked his gun, drawing a bead on the rogue lawman. Buck had seen that the stage was set. In less than a second, the outlaw would kill his human, but no bullet would stop Matt from killing Jude Bonner before he died. Matt would have his revenge. Bonner would be dead and Matt would be dead. Both of the guilty parties would have paid for Kitty's suffering, just like Matt planned. As for Kitty, she would have nothing.

But then, in that last second, someone had shouted, "Hold it, right there." And for a brief moment everyone had done just that. Buck realized, it was, unmistakably, Festus. The moment of reprieve ended as suddenly as it had begun, and the frozen tableau quickened. A visibly surprised Matt shifted his gaze from Bonner to Festus. Nearly simultaneously, the outlaw with the drawn gun shifted his aim from Matt to Festus and was shot. Then Festus had added, "Anybody squeeze one more trigger and you're all fodder for the turkey buzzards, and I mean it." And the men from Dodge had stood, guns at ready to back him up. Festus added, "Now, throw your guns down." And just like that, they captured the vicious dog soldiers.

Matt shifted his gaze from Festus and the men from Dodge back to the cowering rabid animal who had tortured and raped the woman he loved, saw the naked fear in his soulless black eyes. All of Buck's attention focused on his human. This was the moment of truth. Finally, Matt, exhausted from fighting, lack of sleep and sustenance, worry, and the burning rage and hate he had been carrying, dropped the rock. The men of Dodge had not only saved Matt's life, but maybe his soul as well. The law would have Bonner.

To be continued-


	3. Chapter 3

" _I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."_

James Baldwin, _The Fire Next Time_

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 3: Emptiness

Matt stood silently as his friends mounted up and herded the evil dog soldiers towards a too-long delayed appointment with justice. Matt spoke not a word and no one spoke to him as friends and enemies filed past him. Gradually the sounds of the horses' hooves and the creaking of leather and gear faded away and only the silence of the land remained. Buck watched and listened, a silent stalwart presence while Matt stood, unmoving, eyes vacant, and features expressionless. After a while, Matt crumpled to the ground where he continued to sit as the sun slowly made its way across the big sky. Finally, as if awakening from a trance, Matt looked down at his scraped and bloodied hands and then over at the big rock he had menacingly raised over Jude Bonner's head. He blinked, took a deep breath and stiffly climbed to his feet. He wiped at the trickle of blood still oozing from the corner of his mouth and then walked the few feet over to where Buck was still keeping silent vigil. He patted the faithful horse. "Well, old son, I guess it's time we headed back to Dodge, and I faced up to some things. You know, if I wasn't such a weak bastard, none of this would have happened." With those words, Buck's human had climbed into the saddle, and horse and man began the long somber trip home.

After only a couple of hours, Buck was aware that Matt was as close to asleep in the saddle as a man could be and still keep riding. Buck was also exhausted. The effects of their pell-mell chase across the prairie and tablelands with inadequate rest, food, and water had worn out both horse and rider. Buck hadn't liked his human's quest for revenge, but he'd been with this man too long to give him anything but his very best and he would continue to give his best as long as Matt asked.

Finally, too exhausted to continue, Matt had halted a very grateful Buck near a large rock formation and made camp. Buck was glad to be free of the bridle and heavy saddle, and to have the opportunity to graze although the ground was mostly bare. Buck was thirsty, but water would have to wait until tomorrow. This was a dry camp. He also kept watch over the tortured man that was his rider. Matt had chosen to eat nothing, and, within minutes of resting his head against his saddle, had fallen into a deep sleep. Unfortunately, it had not been a peaceful sleep and Buck had helplessly watched as Matt's demons filled his dreams. He heard him mumble, "I need you. I need you." And twisting and turning with sweat dripping down his face had begged some unknown entity. "Please, please, don't hurt her. Take me instead. Please, I'm the one you want." Then Matt had quieted, but the silence was soon broken by Matt's flat voice calmly ordering, "Leave me. Get out of Dodge or I will." And with those last words still hanging in the air, Matt had fallen into a seemingly dreamless sleep.

As he was just dozing off himself, Buck heard something off to the right of their camp. Someone or something was out there. He whinnied loudly, seeking to warn Matt, but the man was near unconscious and there was no response. As Buck's concern grew, he suddenly heard a soft braying. It was, unmistakably, Ruth. He was at least 100 yards to the left of where Buck and Matt had bedded down. Festus had returned, no doubt to keep a silent shadowy watch and make sure his brother in arms, and blood, was safe. A relieved Buck closed his eyes and slept, secure in the knowledge that he was no longer alone in his quest to get his human safely home.

Matt rose late the next morning. By the time he was up, the sun was high in the sky and it was hot. Buck was cranky, but glad he had been tethered near the rocks where there was still a sliver of shade. Matt's uncharacteristic behavior was definitely distressing Buck. Not only was Matt always up before the sun, but also, Matt knew they were out of water. Now they would be traveling in the hottest part of the day. Buck wasn't seriously worried about water, yet, because he knew where they would resupply, but it was going to be a long, hot, and thirsty day and there would be no room for error. Matt usually did a much better job of keeping, not only Buck, but himself, fed and watered when traveling. A prudent man knew how quickly death could come out on the plains and he and Matt were approaching the limit for how long they could survive without water. They'd finished the last of their water the day before they caught up with the dog soldiers. Matt had given most of the water in the last canteen to Buck. Buck knew that, at that point, nothing had mattered to Matt except revenge. His plan had not included a future. But he hoped Matt was past that and Buck was anxious for his human to start behaving more normally. To start caring.

On the positive side, Buck was pleased that the long rest seemed to have done Matt some good. He'd even eaten a little jerky before he mounted up. Still, Buck was going to be awfully glad to get to the next watering point. He was really thirsty. He figured Matt was even thirstier, but Matt still seemed so deep in his misery that his thirst wasn't even registering.

As Buck had anticipated, he and Matt spent a long and hot day on the trail before they came to the anticipated water hole, and there they camped. Matt made sure Buck was comfortable, filled the canteens, and went straight to sleep. Buck's mood improved considerably with good water and plentiful grass. He did wish Matt had taken advantage of the abundant water to clean up a little. Matt just didn't seem to care about much of anything. Sadly, they had raced right past this watering hole as they relentlessly pursued the dog soldiers. Matt had chosen not to stop. Water had been irrelevant.

They got an early start the next day, and Buck was glad his human seemed to be falling into at least some of his old patterns. Unfortunately, Matt was still pensive, and Buck continued to have trouble reading him. He knew Matt was hurting, but there was also a strange emptiness at his core. Buck was very glad they were at least making progress towards home. At the end of the day, Matt again went straight to sleep after setting up camp. Matt's sleep was still troubled, but at least there had been no more mumblings or outcries since that first night. Buck was aware that Festus was still out there somewhere and he was glad of it. The fact that his human hadn't noticed was a definite sign that he was still a long way from normal. In his current state, Matt would be easy prey.

Matt and Buck continued their slow progress towards Dodge, but Matt was in no rush to get there. Each day he was behaving a little more normally, but the sense of the man continued to be wrong. And he was dawdling and Buck wasn't sure why. Matt was struggling with guilt, but there was more to it. Buck sensed that somewhere, deep inside, his rider was hurting. Matt might have harnessed the hatred he carried for Jude Bonner, but the excruciating pain that man had brought him was still there, eating at him from the inside out. And while Buck didn't understand why Matt wasn't more anxious to get home, he was certain that his guilt and hurt were somehow at the heart of the problem.

Matt also remained almost completely unaware of his surroundings; his focus turned inward. Thankfully, Festus was still out there shadowing their trail and it was near unbelievable to Buck that Matt still hadn't noticed. Buck hoped getting home, or, more specifically, getting back to Kitty would be the medicine Matt needed. He figured Kitty needed Matt, and Matt not only should have been there for her, he should have wanted to be there for her. It was also pretty clear to Buck that Matt needed Kitty.

Horse and rider were finally nearing Dodge. Matt had selected a small grove of trees to set up camp. It was an excellent campsite with a good source of cool water and the ground covered with succulent grass. It was a pleasurable thing for Buck, but his pleasure was considerably diminished by his continued worry for his rider. Matt had essentially been living on air, water, and jerky, and not much of that, since they'd left Hays after Virgil Bonner's hanging. The loss of weight was noticeable. Buck knew Matt could live off the land better than most men, but he just didn't seem interested in making the effort. Matt's world seem to have narrowed to riding while on the trail and sleeping once in camp. He ate barely enough to remain alive and continued to show no interest in his surroundings. Buck was still hoping that once he and Matt got home, Matt would come back to himself, and with a little luck and a cooperative rider, Buck hoped to be sleeping in his stall tomorrow night. Buck was clinging to the idea that getting back to Dodge and, even more importantly, back to Kitty would shake Matt out of his doldrums. One thing that was certain, Matt wouldn't survive for long in his current state of unawareness, especially once he got back to town. He had far too many enemies and he couldn't afford to show this kind of weakness.

Matt had unsaddled Buck and just started a small fire. Buck thought the fire a positive sign since it was the first since this long journey had begun. Then both heard the clear sound of someone noisily coming up the trail from the direction of Dodge. Matt quickly pulled his gun and stepped back into the darkness. Buck was glad to see him make at least an effort at self-preservation. The visitor shouted out, "Hello to the camp."

Matt holstered his gun, and although Buck knew it was impossible to not recognize that distinctive voice, shouted back, "Is that you, Festus?"

At that point, Festus came sashaying into camp leading Ruth and looking like Matt was the last person on earth he expected to be running into out here. "Well, Golly Bill, Matthew. If'n you aint a sight for these sore eyeballs a mine. I was puradee a wonderin when you'd be gettin your ownself back here. You doin, ok? Are ya?"

Matt skipped over the niceties and went straight to the only question on his mind. "How's Kitty?"

Festus eyebrows went up and came down, and he got that sly, squinty-eyed guilty look that Buck knew very well, and then kind of shifted his gaze down and to the left. "Well Matthew, last I heared, she was doin a heap better."

Relieved, Matt let out a breath, and then looked up. "What do you mean, the last you heard?

"Well foot, Matthew. We dropped all them dog soldier fellers off in Colaraddy and then I kinda went my own way. Had me some thinkin ta do. But it sed in the telee gram that they sent that Miss Kitty was doin better."

"You mean you haven't been back to Dodge, Festus?" Matt asked somewhat incredulously.

"Welllll, no, Matthew, I ain't."

"Mmmmhmmm," said the badgeless Marshal. Buck thought Matt sounded very much like his old self, which was a very good thing, but he also figured maybe the jig was up for Festus.

Festus looked a little worried for a minute. "Wellllll, its complexicated, Matthew." But then he seemed to remember something and he raised his eyebrows and opened his eyes wide as saucers. "But Golly Bill, I almost forgot. Looky here what I brung ya." Festus walked over to Ruth and picked up the three rabbits that were hanging from the saddle horn. "I set me some snares and I caught me this passel a rabbits.

Ain't nobody knows how ta set a rabbit snare better'n a Haggen. Why we Haggens knows just how to set that little loopy thing and we use a secret Haggen knot. One time my cousin Alfalfa… he's one ah my Uncle Jack's young'uns. You remember Uncle Jack Haggen, don'tcha, Matthew? He's the one what shot you that time. Course you just shook that off like a skeeter bite. But you recollect, my Uncle Jack was a bad un. But I don' hold that agin Cousin Alfalfa at all. Anyways, Cousin Alfalfa…"

"Festus."

"Oh yeah, Matthew, don't you worry about the littlest thing. I was digressin there for a minute. I'll just clean these fellas and us'ns il have us a palotsome dinner. You awlready got the fire goin an everythin."

"Festus."

"Yeah, Matthew?"

"Festus, I thank ya."

"Awe shucks, Matthew, Twern't nuthin. A fellers gotta eat." A big grin covered the hillman's features.

"Yeah, Festus, he does, and I say we get to it."

Buck, like Festus, knew that Matt was thanking Festus for a lot more than that passel of rabbits. Buck was mighty glad that Matt was going to have a good meal and some company for the ride into Dodge tomorrow. He already seemed a lot more like himself.

To be continued


	4. Chapter 4

" _You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen."_ _  
_Michelle Obama

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 4: Decisions

Matt and Festus finally got back into town around ten the following night. Buck couldn't help but notice that there had been very little talking, but it had been a companionable silence. Buck didn't actually know that Festus could be that quiet. Buck also noticed that if Festus hadn't hurried Matt along some, they wouldn't have made it to Dodge for another day. The closer they got to home, the more withdrawn Matt had gotten and the more he delayed. He seemed to be slipping back into his own head and he definitely didn't seem to want to get home. Buck didn't like it one bit. Matt had made a good effort to rebuild his tough Marshal façade when Festus had come into camp, but the closer they got to Dodge, the more visible the holes and rents in that outer facade had become. He figured Festus must have noticed as well.

"Say Matthew, whyn't you go on up to Doc's and see if Miss Kitty's up there, and I'll take care of Buck here, and ole Ruth."

"That's okay, Festus. It's pretty late to be bothering Doc, ya know."

"Oh that ole scudder ain't a gonna be asleep yet. And Golly Bill, Matthew, now that I think on it, since Miss Kitty's a heap better and all, ole Doc might a let her go back to her own place. You could check on her your ownself. I seen the Long Branch was still open when we come inta town."

"Since you're so set on it, Festus, I'm gonna take you up on that offer to take care of Buck. I'm pretty tired, though. I think, I'll head over to the jail and call it a night. See ya in the morning,"

"Yeah, Matthew, sure thing." Three pairs of eyes followed Matt's tall distinctive form as he walked straight down Front Street, past Doc's office and past the Long Branch without ever so much as turning his head towards either building. Festus shook his head and mumbled, "Sumpin's powerful wrong with ole Matthew." Buck couldn't agree more.

Buck, as happy as he was to be home and in his own stall, spent a restless night worrying about his human. His sense of Matt's presence was with him, but it wasn't the comforting presence he was used to feeling. It seemed like Matt was all messed up inside. He knew Matt was carrying a lot of guilt over what happened to Kitty, and he was hurting. The guilt had lay over him like a shroud ever since Hays. Even if Buck hadn't been a perceptive horse, Matt's bitter words to Newly that day in Hays said it all: "They took her because I loved her, and I knew better." But, still, he thought that once they got back to Dodge, Matt and Kitty would work it out. That couldn't happen if Matt wouldn't even go see her, though. Truth was, Buck was getting a little tired of Matt wallowing in guilt. Kitty needed him, and it was time he cowboyed up.

Buck was surprised to see Matt back at the stable well before sunrise. He didn't look like he'd been to bed and he sure hadn't cleaned up. Buck didn't like it one bit. He'd brought Matt home emotionally devastated before, but Matt always somehow managed to at least pull himself together on the outside and hide the pain on the inside. Sometimes it seemed to Buck that the more Matt hurt on the inside the tougher he presented on the outside. But today, anyone looking would know, the Marshal wasn't himself.

Matt saddled Buck up, and they headed out of town in the pre-dawn blackness. Matt held him at a steady canter and it wasn't long before Buck figured out they were heading for Pawnee Creek. It was a beautiful morning and they arrived in plenty of time to see the sun rise over the prairie. Matt seated himself with his back to an old and familiar cottonwood and, together, he and Buck watched the spectacle. They saw the miracle of a new day starting and watched as the sunlight rolled across the prairie, giving the prairie grasses a fiery inner glow and turning the riffles in the stream to diamonds. No matter how many times Buck had been witness to the glory of a prairie sunrise, he never ceased to rejoice in the joy of being alive for a new day. As the sun continued its inevitable rise, Matt climbed to his feet, mounted up and headed back to Dodge. It almost felt like old times, almost.

Doc was shambling down the boardwalk towards the Long Branch when Matt and Buck passed him on the way back to the stable. Doc called out, but Matt ignored him. Once back in the stable Matt pulled off Buck's saddle and bridle and started giving him a vigorous currying. Normally, Buck couldn't think of a more glorious way to spend a morning than a ride across the prairie with Matt followed by a brisk currying. These were the times when Matt was usually at his most relaxed and Buck felt especially close to him. But today, things were so wrong in Matt's head that there was no joy in being with him.

Buck wasn't surprised when Doc showed up after following them down to the stable, nor was he surprised when Matt just kept on with his currying as if he didn't notice Doc watching him. Finally, Doc got tired of being ignored and spoke up. "You look like hell, you know."

Buck figured no one could accuse Doc of beating around the bush when he had something to say.

Without pausing in his currying, Matt retorted, "I feel a little bit like that too, Doc."

"Look, son, I don't know what's eating you, but there's a woman over at the Long Branch that puts a lot of store in you. She kinda needs you right now, ya know?" Doc waited for a reply and when it wasn't forthcoming continued, "She's been through an awful lot. They treated her something terrible and they shot her. But, you already know that, dontcha?" Doc took a deep breath and shook his head, pursing his lips. "She's strong and she's healing… physically. But mentally… well, I just don't know." Doc was getting more than a little irritated with Matt's lack of response and put a little bite in his next words. "She needs ya. Been waiting for ya."

Seeming to devote even more attention to the currying, Matt finally bit out, "She doesn't…need… me."

"Matt, are you crazy? She's been through hell."

"Except for her, and maybe you, I probably know that better than anyone." Matt took a deep breath and turned to face his friend, sometime mentor, and near father. "I can't do this anymore."

"Son, you have to do it."

"I've been out on the prairie all morning. Trying to get my head straight. The one thing I keep coming back to is that I have to get out of Dodge."

Doc shook his head, scrubbed at his face and mustache. He couldn't believe this was Matt talking. There were few men that Doc had more respect for than Matt Dillon, and he just couldn't believe he had actually said that. "Are you telling me you're leaving her, now, when she needs ya? Has all this somehow changed how you feel about Kitty, that you don't," Doc could barely force the rest of the sentence out. "That you don't love her anymore?"

Matt glared at his friend, hurt and incredulity warring for dominance in his expression. "Don't love her? How could you say that… to me?"

"Matt, you're not making any sense." Doc paused and sat down on a convenient old barrel. "Why would you leave her?"

"Look, Doc, you say she needs me, and I set a lot of store by you. And, I kind of finally got around to figuring that out for my self anyway. I should have been here for her a lot sooner than this. So I tell you, I'm going to stay, for a while, till she's better. I owe her more than you could ever imagine and I don't know any way to balance that debt. But I promise you, I'll do everything in my power to be the man she needs."

"Well, that's a good start, Matt. But you aren't seriously telling me, that once she recovers, you're just gonna leave her?"

"Doc, above all else, I have to keep her safe. I'm going to start by going over and putting that badge back on and, as best I can, I'm going to look out for the people of Dodge during the cattle season. God knows; I owe them that much and more. "

"And what about, Kitty?" Doc prompted.

"As soon as I get cleaned up, I'm going over to see her, Doc. And I'm gonna be there for her. You know, I'd do anything for her. But, when she's better, and she just has to get better, I'm… leaving."

"But why, Matt? Why? You'll break her heart."

"And mine, Doc." Matt dropped his head and mumbled, "And mine." He raised his head and met Doc's piercing gaze. "But I'm no good for her. I can't give her what she wants. What she deserves."

Doc tried real hard to connect with Matt. Stood back up to get a little closer, looked him straight in the eye. "Don't you think that should be her decision?"

"Nope, not anymore. Matt eyes skittered away, avoiding Doc's scrutiny. Finally, he took a deep breath and shifted his gaze back to lock with Doc's. Buck figured Matt realized this man deserved some explanation. "I just can't wait for the next Jude Bonner or Will Mannon to come along and try to get at me through her. I know they're out there." Matt paused, then returned to industriously currying Buck while softly mumbling, "I can't do this again; I just… can't."

Doc, sensing that Matt was through talking, turned and started walking back to his office. "I'll see you over the office later."

Matt briefly paused in his currying, and turned back towards the entrance to the stable. "And Doc. Thanks for coming over to talk to me. I was having a hard time seeing my way through this. Talkin' it out helped some."

"Sure thing, Matt. Anytime. Maybe we could talk some more… later." Then the old man shuffled out the door mumbling quietly to himself that he wasn't sure if he'd just won a battle or lost the war.

Buck looked over at the old man silhouetted by the sun streaming in the stable door and thought, not for the first time, how lucky Matt was to have him for a friend. There weren't many other men, if any, that Matt would have had that conversation with. His sharp hearing didn't miss the doctor's mumbled last sentence either. Buck figured Doc had won a battle. The war hadn't been fought yet.

At least things were going to be better for a while. Now that Matt had settled on a course of action, Buck sensed a peace and a purpose in him that had been missing for a long time. Matt was not a man that dithered. Right or wrong, he made up his mind and he acted. Buck figured carrying all that guilt and hurt muddled his thought processes and denied him the certainty he was accustomed to use in guiding his actions. The thing was, if there was one thing Buck knew, Matt was a man of his word and if he said he was leaving when Kitty was better, he was leaving. Buck could only hope that something significant would happen before that, because if Matt left, neither Matt, nor Kitty, nor even Dodge would ever be the same.

To be continued


	5. Chapter 5

" _Kitty, I know this has been harder on you than anybody. He's gonna be all right. I promise."_

" _What about next time, Doc? What can you promise me about that?"_

 _XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

" _Doc, you got to do something. You gotta talk to her. Tell her."_

" _Tell her, tell her what? Tell her she's got no right to leave Dodge City. She's not a ten year old. She's a woman, Festus, with a mind of her own, and she's got a right to do whatever she wants."_

" _But you know she's wrong, Doc, just as well as I do."_

" _Of course she's wrong. But she's got a right to be wrong too."_

"The Badge" -Season 15, episode 19. Written by Jim Byrnes. Directed by Vincent McEveety.

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 5: Keeping Promises

The next time Buck saw Matt, he was cleaned up and his badge was pinned back in its proper place. Buck was relieved to see that Matt's armor was also fully in place although a little dented and scarred. The Marshal was back. Buck couldn't help but wonder if that piece of metal on his chest provided the focal point around which the rest of the man's armor coalesced. There were few who would see past that facade to the pain and guilt that still lurked within the man. Buck was one of those few, but it was still good to see Matt back in control and Buck was sure that Kitty would help the man on the inside heal as well.

Buck was sad for the pain and guilt Matt still carried, but Matt Dillon, at the best of times, was a man who carried a lot of guilt, and a lot of regrets. The burning hatred was gone. Buck knew that Jude Bonner and most of the rest of the dog soldiers had hung for offenses committed in Colorado. Everybody in Dodge had been talking about it. The trial, verdict, sentencing, and hanging had been fast. There was little doubt the dog soldiers were guilty of terrible atrocities. Beyond checking off one more threat to Kitty, Matt had not seemed overly interested.

A casual observer would have thought everything was back to normal in Dodge. And for the time being, it was. Buck, of course, was not a casual observer. He was a keen observer and he was well aware that the sense of normalcy was only a temporary illusion, a misconception that would be revealed when Matt left town. Buck knew that the unsuspecting citizens of Dodge City would wake up to a very different reality when that happened.

Once Matt cleaned himself up and pulled himself back together, he had, as promised, gone to see Kitty. Then he completely disappeared for about 4 days. Buck wasn't sure where he had gone. But once he showed back up, he started eating regularly again and soon regained the weight that he had lost. That was a very good thing because in two weeks, the Texas herds and the tough Texans that brought them would start coming into town and he was going to need all of his strength and skill with his fists and gun to keep them in line.

Buck made it a point to remain knowledgeable about the goings on around town. He was totally dependent on gossip for his information, but a lot of people came through the stable. And of course, quite often Matt left him in front of the Long Branch or the jail, all good places to catch up on the goings on in Dodge. Buck didn't miss much, and he had very sharp hearing. Besides that, folks never had any worries saying stuff in front of a horse.

Still, Buck heard nothing about where Matt had disappeared to for those four days, which seemed very strange. Buck had worried while he was gone. He wasn't used to not knowing where his rider was and it just wasn't like him to disappear in the middle of Dodge City. And most definitely, the Marshal didn't usually just disappear from the streets of Dodge without anyone remarking on it. Once Matt finally returned, Buck noticed he looked mighty worn, but the Marshal's badge and the tough exterior were still in place and Buck was thankful for that. He would just have to chalk up those missing four days as one more unsolved mystery.

From then on, Matt had made a habit of taking early morning rides out on the prairie, always making sure he was back in time to have "breakfast" with his lady. At first Matt would stop off and pick up food at Delmonico's and take it over to the Long Branch. But eventually, Matt started meeting Kitty at the Long Branch, and escorting her to Delmonico's. It made Buck happy to see the beautiful redhead out and about again. Even better was seeing Matt and Kitty laughing and enjoying one another's company. Buck was always amused that Kitty called it breakfast and Matt called it lunch. Kitty was not a morning person. Matt was definitely making full use of the quiet days in Dodge before the trail herds hit.

The Texas cowboys and trail herds showed up right on schedule and, for a while, Dodge was a wild and wooly place, but Matt kept a close eye on the town and, for the most part, kept things under control. The people of Dodge felt safer in their homes and businesses knowing their Marshal was walking the streets, looking out for them.

From what Buck could see, Kitty was looking beautiful and back running her saloon. He knew she'd gone through tough times to get back where she was. Her pain had been Matt's pain and Buck always knew when Matt was in pain.

Buck had been tied outside the saloon a few times and seen Kitty handling drunks and gamblers with her usual aplomb. There had been quite a few occasions when things had gotten real rowdy and Matt had to step in to calm folks down a little. But that was to be expected during cattle season. Matt was almost always busy breaking up fights in one saloon or the other.

About the only unusual thing was that one fellow tried to get a little personal with Kitty and called her a whore. Matt had little tolerance for that word and none at all when it was applied to Kitty Russell, especially these days. He broke the fellow's nose, jaw and three ribs. Buck had been tied outside the Long Branch when that happened. The fellow had come flying out of those saloon doors like he was shot from a cannon. Buck had to kind of step out of the way. Matt had come boiling out after him and shouted, "Get outta Dodge and don't let me see you back here." Buck was pretty sure that man wouldn't ever think of coming back. Of course, he hadn't been able to leave right away. He'd spent three weeks recuperating up at Doc's. It had been the topic of conversation all around the town for over a week.

One conversation that Buck almost wished he missed occurred just after he brought Matt in from Jetmore. Matt pulled Buck over to the jail to drop off his rifle and saddlebags before taking Buck down to the stable. Doc was there waiting, and a five-minute stop turned into a little more. Doc, like Buck, was cognizant that, if Matt really was going to leave Dodge, it would be soon. The last of the herds would be clearing out next week and, as Buck had seen, Kitty, nearly miraculously, seemed a lot better. Doc started out by asking Matt if he was still planning to leave and Matt assured him he was. Doc was interrogating him pretty intently. Buck doubted Matt would put up with it from anyone else. Then again, maybe Matt needed to talk to someone about it.

Buck sure wished they'd wash the jail window so he could see a little better. He had good ears and could hear everything that was going on. He had good eyes, too, but that jail window was so dirty about all he could see were shadows. He could tell Doc was sitting at the table where they often played checkers. Matt was busy putting things away. Buck was able to make him out racking his rifle and locking it in place.

"If you leave here, Matt, where you gonna go?"

"Doc, it isn't if I leave here, I'm going. I got no choice."

"Ok, well, what are ya gonna do? Where you gonna go?"

"I don't know, yet. I'm going over to Spearville as soon as the last drovers leave Dodge. I plan to send a telegram to the Attorney General's Office, see if there are any openings for Marshals outside of Kansas. I sure can't send that telegram here." Matt looked over at Doc with a sardonic expression. "Barney'd tell the whole town."

Matt paused briefly to hang the now empty saddlebags over in the corner. "I know I won't be able to get an immediate transfer, but I figure I can work out of a different town for a few months until they find a replacement and then I'll move on. If there aren't any openings, I figure I'll drift around some till I find something. I've got money saved up."

"Have you told Kitty?"

"Nope. I can't seem to find the words. I've tried. I've about figured the best thing would be to wait till the last minute to tell her. This whole time, me knowing I was going to have to leave... It's been real hard."

Apparently finished packing everything away, Matt returned and dropped into a seat across from Doc.

"Matt, why don't you stay? You know you don't wanna go and if…all right, I mean, when you go, it's gonna break Kitty's heart. You may be a broken down, overgrown civil servant, but she loves you something fierce. Did I ever tell you what she said when she woke up that first time?" When Doc received no response, he asked again, "Well, did I?"

"Nope, and I don't suppose there's any way I'm gonna get out of hearing that, am I?"

"Well, no, I don't suppose there is any way you're gonna get out of hearing this." Doc shook his head in exasperation and scrubbed at his mustache. "Cause I'm just gonna tell you, that's what. When she found out you went after Bonner, she said, 'I couldn't live without him, Doc. You know that.' And you know what I said?" Doc looked up at Matt and waited for a response, but when he didn't get one just continued. "Well, I'll tell you, I said, 'And you won't have to because the sun hasn't risen on the day Matt Dillon can't take of himself.' And now you're gonna leave and make me a liar."

"I already made you a liar, Doc. You know, I did a pretty poor job of taking care of myself out there. I let hate twist my insides till I couldn't think of anything but killing Bonner. Nothing else mattered. Afterwards, I was empty…lost. I think… Well truth is, I'm pretty sure, I would have killed him, and I know I wouldn't have made it back if Festus and Newly and all those other men from Dodge hadn't come after me…"

"And you're leaving them, too. They need ya, too. Not like Kitty, but they still need ya."

"You're not making this easy on me, you know."

"I don't intend to make it easy on you, Matt. I think you're making a big mistake. For you, for Kitty, for the whole town."

"Let me tell you something, Doc. It already ain't easy, but it's the way it's got to be. This is my home, my life, and when I'm with her and I think about leaving… You know when I finally dragged my sorry ass up to see her in her bed at the Long Branch, she was still hurting so bad from what they did to her. But, she was glad to see me. Didn't ask me where I'd been. She was just glad I was back. She was worried because I lost weight. And I was worried because she lost weight. Of course she lost weight because of what those animals did to her. I lost weight because of my own stupid, irresponsible behavior." Matt paused and shook his head. "I don't deserve a woman like her."

"Matt, this whole thing's been awful for both of you, but you leaving isn't going to make it better."

"You got to understand; I can't do it, Doc. I can't stay. As much as it hurts to leave, it hurts more to stay. When I went up to her room and saw her, I wanted to be able to fix it, but I couldn't. So, I sat down on the bed and pulled her into my arms, and I held her and…" Matt stopped, got up, moved away from Doc, over closer to the window, looked out at Buck. "And." Matt took a deep breath. "And… um, she told me what they did to her and we cried together. And she kept crying for almost three days and three nights and I just stayed there holding her. And gradually, she got better, but there were still bad days. Real bad days. You know what they did to her. No one should have to go through that. No one. She fought so hard to come back. I don't know how she did it. She's just so much stronger than me." Matt turned back to face Doc—two strong men, both with tear filled eyes. "Doc, I can't let that happen again."

"Son, you can't leave her. Can't you see that? You just can't."

"I have to. I love her, and I can't stop. I know you've known for a long time, even though we tried to be discreet. Hell, the Governor knows. And being discreet didn't do a damn thing to keep Bonner and his dog soldiers from finding out. Bonner threatened some of the Dodge men and Kitty just turned herself over to them."

"You expected her to do something else, Matt, knowing the kind of woman Kitty is?"

"Nope. She's brave and selfless and she deserves better than me."

"Matt, that's part of why you love her."

"Yeah, Doc. And that's the whole problem. I love her. Everything they did to her—everything—it all happened because I love her. No other reason. How would you like to live with that? It's even worse because I knew it was dangerous. I knew, Doc, and I let myself love her anyway. I gotta go now. I need to get Buck over to the stable." He paused to swipe away the tears building in his eyes and pulled himself up tall, straight and strong. "And I'm taking Kitty to dinner. She'll be waiting."

Matt left Doc sitting there and slowly walked Buck down to the stable. He needed time to recover before he saw Kitty. Buck could feel the pain churning inside Matt and see it in his stiff posture. Buck had been aware of that pain deep down at Matt's core for a long time, but seeing it bubbling up to the surface like that and hearing Matt talk about it had been wrenching. Buck wished there was something he could do, but he was just a horse.


	6. Chapter 6

" _Animals don't behave like men,' he said. 'If they have to fight, they fight; and if they have to kill they kill. But they don't sit down and set their wits to work to devise ways of spoiling other creatures' lives and hurting them. They have dignity and animality."_

Richard Adams: _Watership Down_

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 6: Evil Comes to Dodge

The last week of cattle season passed relatively peacefully and Matt saddled Buck up and rode over to Spearville. Sadly, Buck knew why they were there. Eavesdropping had its drawbacks. Matt stopped by the telegram office, then tethered him outside the saloon and went in to have a beer. It wasn't long before a response came. Buck watched as a young messenger boy carrying a yellow slip of paper ran into the saloon. Matt came out a few minutes later tucking the paper in his vest pocket. Matt's expression and emotions were unreadable and Buck wondered what response he received. They were back in Dodge by nightfall.

The next afternoon, Matt saddled Buck up and rode out to the Wilson's place to talk to Mr. Wilson about some suspected chicken thieves. It had been real quiet since the Texans all pulled out and Matt finally had time to look into some of the smaller crimes being committed in and around Dodge and Ford County. Buck smelled Kitty and catfish stew on him and figured he'd had lunch with her at Delmonico's. From Buck's observations, Matt was spending as much time with Kitty as he possibly could before leaving. Buck wondered when he was going to tell her.

They got back from the Wilson's early in the evening and, unsurprisingly, Matt pulled Buck over to stop by the Long Branch. Buck figured he was going to ask Kitty if she would have supper with him as soon as he finished getting Buck unsaddled and fed. Neither Matt nor Buck expected what happened next. Matt paused at the bat-wing doors to check out the clientele. This was a long-ingrained habit. He quickly spotted Kitty at the bar and smiling broadly, headed directly over to her. Buck, as was his habit whenever the Marshal left him loose, sidled over so that he could see in over the doors. As Matt moved closer, Kitty looked up from the bar. Buck was shocked to see tears in her eyes, as was Matt.

A visibly worried Matt reached towards her, asking, "Kitty, are you ok?"

Her eyes met his and sparked with betrayal. "No. I'm not. Damn you, Matt Dillon!" She dashed away the tears.

Matt, unsure what had happened, stepped back, giving her space.

"You told me you needed me, Matt. Maybe you thought I didn't hear you, but I did. I heard you. I heard you say it, 'I need you.' And I came back… for you," she spat out. "I faced all that pain and shame and I came back. For you! And now, I find out you're leaving. Were you going to tell me or were you just going to sneak out in the dark? You should have gone farther, Matt. Spearville wasn't far enough. Matt Dillon leaving Kansas is big news."

Buck listened as all the normal saloon noises, the off-key piano, the clinking of glasses, the talking of the customers, the creaking of leather, and the scraping and squeaking of chairs suddenly stopped. Everyone was focused on the Marshal and his woman.

Matt started to reach for her. "Kitty, I'm so sor…"

"Just get out and don't come back. If you do, I'll have Sam shoot you. I never want to see you again."

Then there was dead silence. Buck wasn't sure he had ever heard so much silence coming from the Long Branch. Buck watched as Matt pivoted and walked out of the saloon. Every eye in the saloon watched him go. As Matt reached the bat-wing doors, Buck saw Kitty collapse in tears, and Sam hurry over to help her up the stairs. Matt just kept on coming out the doors. He quickly climbed up into the saddle and galloped out of town. Buck figured this was probably not exactly how Matt had planned to tell Kitty he was leaving.

Matt camped out on the prairie that night. He didn't sleep much, mostly just rested himself against his saddle and gazed into the fire. Most of the next day, he spent riding Buck as they meandered aimlessly around the prairie near Dodge. It was clear he was hurting and miserable, but Buck doubted he would change his mind about leaving. When Matt decided something, he could be real stubborn. Late in the afternoon he rode Buck back into town and left him at the stable. Buck could tell that Matt's emotional turmoil and lack of sleep had left him exhausted. As Matt was leaving, Buck heard him tell Hank that he'd be back in the morning to pick up Buck and that he'd want to settle up for board. Those few words pretty much settled it in Buck's mind. Matt planned for them to leave in the morning.

Buck wondered where Matt was going just now, but doubted it would be the Long Branch. It was most likely to pick up his rifle and saddlebags, pack his few things, and get a good night's sleep. Maybe say farewell to Doc and Festus, but maybe not. Buck knew Kitty's words had hurt Matt deeply. His misery had been plain, but Buck was near certain that Matt wouldn't go back to the Long Branch. Matt probably figured that as much as he hated hurting Kitty, it was better this way. Like pulling a bandage off a healing wound, it was better to do it quick and endure the sharp pain than to drag it out. Sadly, Buck had a feeling there wasn't going to be anything quick about the pain Matt and Kitty carried over what was, in Buck's view, an exceptionally stupid decision by Matt. And to think, humans were supposed to be smart.

Buck was feeling real sad for himself, too. Dodge was the only home he knew. And he was going to miss Kitty an awful lot. He'd miss a lot of other folks too, and his horse friends, and Ruth. He would still have Matt, but he was afraid that was going to be a lot different too. Buck always thought that Kitty was the person that helped keep Matt human. He was afraid Matt might get awful hard, living away from her, hard all the way through. Buck didn't even know where they were going. He guessed he'd just have to horseup. Matt was his human and where Matt went, he went.

A few hours later, Buck was sleeping in his stall when three men rode in and dropped their horses off. About an hour after that, they returned with a bottle and made themselves comfortable in the straw in the empty stall next to his. Buck noticed that one of the men had a nasty scar running from his eyebrow to the corner of his mouth. All of them looked like bad news.

The tallest of the group took a swallow of the rotgut whiskey and gasped as it burned down his throat. "You sure that was her, Clyde? That sad looking redhead, sittin all alone in the back drinkin whiskey? Hell, she might be glad for our attentions."

At the word redhead, Buck pricked his ears up. With only that one word, Buck now feared he knew exactly who that man was talking about.

"That's her all right. She busted a whiskey bottle and did this to me." Clyde jerked his thumb up towards his face. "I been living with it for near twenty years." He fingered the long, jagged scar. "I built me up a big hate, and she gonna give me what I want now, and then some." He grabbed the bottle from Bates, and took a long pull, blinking at the bite of the cheap whiskey

The tall one, Bates, laughed coarsely. "You weren't very good at handling women back then, were ya?"

"Shut up Bates, you don't know nuthin about it." He scowled at the memory. "She thought she was better'n a whore. He sneered, "But everybody knew that's what she was. Don't look like that's changed none."

"Whore or not, she's a looker, puts them other women we took to shame. I like breakin the ones that think they're better'n me." He groaned as a sick smile curled his lip. "I can hardly wait."

The third man spoke up. He was a lot shorter and rounder than the other two. "You sure you wanna go through with this, Clyde? I mean, this is a town. They gonna have some law here. We ain't never done this in a town with law."

"So what, Coats. The law ain't gonna care about no saloon whore. Sides, there's three of us. Lawmen are yella when ya outnumber em." He took another swallow of rotgut, wiped his mouth with his filthy sleeve. "I woulda kilt her back then. It would have been pure pleasure, but she up and disappeared. Probably knew, I'd be lookin to fix er."

"Clyde, it's dangerous. I just dunno."

Clyde thrust the whiskey bottle at Coats. "Here, Coats have some whiskey. Maybe it'll help you find your backbone, if ya got one," he scoffed. "She gotta pay for what she did to me." Clyde pulled his knife from the sheath at his belt, tilted it, and watched it gleam in the light filtering in from the street. A malevolent grin twisted his features and he seemed lost in his evil thoughts. "She gonna feel so good. That soft skin, pretty red hair. Been waiting a long time..."

Coats took a big gulp from the bottle, choked as the raw whiskey burned down his throat. "I don't wanna go to jail, Clyde. I couldn't stand that. I got needs."

Clyde snapped out of his reverie, glaring at Coats. "We come all the way from Wichita for this. I tole you how it was gonna be. When I heard about the Long Branch being the best saloon west of St. Louie and how it was run by a pretty little redhead name of Kitty Russell… Well, I never figured I'd ever see her again."

Coats, tipped the bottle up and took another big swallow of the whiskey, then licked his lips. "You set on it then, ain't ya, Clyde?"

"Yup. I get her first, cause we got history. But then we'll do her like those other women. If you want out, get out now. But think about what you'll be missing, Coats. You want er, don't cha?"

Coats swallowed and an unhealthy gleam lit his eyes. He swallowed and reached down to comfort himself. "I… I want her real bad. I'm just afraid of the law bein here is all."

"You make me sick, Coats. You a snivelin coward."

"Shut up, Clyde," snarled Bates. "He paused to snatch the bottle away from Coats. "You talk too much. Gonna get you killed one a these days. So, you got a plan?"

"Yeah, I got a plan. It's simple. We go tomorrow, soon as the doors open. Won't likely be anyone in there yet, but I bet she'll be there, her being the owner and all. Me and you'll walk up to her real gentle like and grab her." Clyde shifted his focus to the fidgety overweight man. "Coats, you'll watch the door, just in case. Make sure nobody comes in behind us. We'll leave the horses around back afore we go in the front. Soon as we got her we'll just slip out the back way. Nobody'll even know we was there. We'll take her to that abandoned shack we saw about ten miles out of town and we'll have all the time in the world to …"

Bates interrupted. "What if she ain't there?"

"If she ain't there, or things don't look right, we just come on back here."

Buck was beginning to feel sick to his stomach. He'd heard enough of this conversation. These men were diseased and, even if they hadn't named her, the words pretty little redhead were enough to identify her. They were seriously underestimating the law in Dodge. Buck might question Matt's recent decision making skills, but he knew there was nothing yellow about Matt Dillon, and normally that would have given Buck comfort, but not tonight. The way things were looking now, he didn't think there would be any law in Dodge by the time these men took Kitty. Buck had never felt such revulsion for another living creature as he felt for these men. He was so distressed that his anger just boiled over and he snorted and stomped his feet wishing he could stomp those men into the ground.

The three men fell silent. Clyde held his finger to his lips, the universal sign for quiet. Buck stilled as Clyde, with that nasty looking knife still in his hand, peeked into his stall then checked out the rest of the stable before relaxing. Buck could feel the black evilness of the man.

"Nothing here. Stupid horse must uh saw a rat, or somethin." Clyde flopped back in the straw with his friends. "Gimme the bottle."

Buck couldn't help but think he had most definitely seen a rat, or three to be more precise. Although, Buck thought, calling these men rats was defamatory to the animal. Rats were creepy little creatures with beady black eyes and long naked tails who skulked in the darkness of the stable, stole his grain, sometimes skittered right between his legs, hid from the light, and could really get him into a tizzy if he were honest about it. But they were _noble_ creatures compared to these men.

Buck's big problem was that there was nothing he could think of to do. These malignant men planned to take Kitty and he didn't know how to stop them. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. Taking care of these kinds of rats was Matt's job and Matt planned to leave town in the morning. For good. Kitty would be at the mercy of these menaces.

To be continued-


	7. Chapter 7

" _The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley"_

Robert Burns in "To a Mouse"

Often translated as: _"The best laid plans of mice and men do often go awry."_

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 7: Buck Feels Like Walking

Buck had been sad before, at the thought of leaving Dodge, but sadness had been replaced by total desperation. He could only hope that Matt saw these men before he left and maybe recognized them from some wanted circulars, or at least recognized that they were trouble. These men carried an aura of sickness with them that Buck was sure Matt would smell. Matt had a knack for sniffing out killers and spoilers, and these men, if that term could be applied, were far worse than either of those.

Buck kept watch, but learned nothing more. The men passed the bottle around for a few more rounds and then went to sleep in the hay.

Buck didn't even try to sleep as he awaited the beginning of what he feared would be a tragic day. The evil that surrounded the vermin sharing the stall next to him poisoned the air.

As the first rays of the new morning streamed into the stable, Buck kept expecting his rider, but the hours ticked by with no Matt. Buck had been sure Matt would want to get an early start and he desperately wanted him to get here before these men left. He wanted Matt to see them and smell them. But alas, that was not to be. By eight, the men had saddled up and left the stable planning to get breakfast at Delmonico's. Hank had demanded they pay for sleeping in the stable and they had complied, although their attitude had been surly.

With the men gone, Buck's strategy changed. Now, he wanted Matt to get here… later. Whatever happened, Matt could not leave town before the men tried to execute their plan. Buck was shifting from one foot to the other, hoping and hoping that Matt would not walk through that door. But, of course, he did. That's just the way Buck's luck was going.

Buck watched as Matt paid Hank from a much larger stack of bills than Buck had ever seen him carry. Then he saddled Buck up, attached the bedroll, heavy saddlebags and canteens, and shoved the rifle in its scabbard and led him out of the stable. Matt's Marshal façade was firmly in place and no emotion showed on his face, but Buck knew underneath that tough exterior, Matt was feeling the pain of his choice, but he was still determined to stick to his plan. No one could out-stubborn Matt Dillon. Hank didn't say much beyond the required, "Hello, Marshal," when Matt arrived and "Take care out there," when he left. Everybody had heard what had happened at the Long Branch. The whole town knew Matt planned to leave Kitty and Kansas, but no one knew exactly why. Buck figured that Hank figured that Matt was probably in no mood to talk about where he was going or why he was leaving. Buck knew that Hank was absolutely right, but a little conversation would have kept Matt in town longer. Heck, Hank could have even mentioned those surly, suspicious looking characters that spent the night in the stable, but he didn't. This day continued to go awry.

Once out of the stable, Matt mounted up and let Buck know he was ready to get out of Dodge. It was obviously Matt's plan that Buck should trot. With the decision made and the time at hand, Matt just wanted to get out of town as quickly as possible, but Buck decided he would walk. He was just a horse and sometimes a horse felt like walking and that was just how he felt, right then. He felt like walking so that was what he did. In a minute, he might just feel like standing. Making a horse do something he didn't want to do was not easy.

Matt was not happy. Buck well knew that Matt thought that when he gave the signal to trot, that was what they should do, and Buck always gave him his way… every single time, until today. Today, Buck felt like walking, slowly. Buck could feel Matt's displeasure growing by the second, but he chose to ignore it. But even walking slowly, they were almost out of town.

Matt decided to voice his displeasure. "Dammit Buck, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Matt rarely spoke to Buck and never in that tone of voice. Buck thought to himself that maybe he should limp a little. Maybe Matt would be a little sympathetic then. At that point, they both heard a shot fired from the direction of the Long Branch. Now, Matt wanted Buck to gallop, and this time Buck was in total agreement, so galloping is what he did, right down to the Long Branch.

Buck, as so often happened, was going to have a front row seat to whatever happened next. Matt leaped from the saddle, dropped the reins to the ground, and raced inside pulling his Colt as he bolted through the doors. A man to the right of the bat-wing doors turned a gun on him, and, in a single fluid motion, Matt pistol-whipped him as he stepped down onto the main floor. Buck recognized the fallen man as fat Coats.

Buck watched as Matt made a split-second assessment of the situation. Festus was lying unconscious to the left of the door, blood on his forehead, his gun just beyond his outstretched hand. Doc was standing a short distance away, frozen in position, with his bag in one hand, and Sam was leaning against the far wall, woozy, but at least partially conscious. But the most important part of this scene was Kitty, over near the bar with two rough looking men pulling her towards the back exit. The one on the left was tightly gripping her right upper arm in one hand, and holding a gun in the other. The second one shifted behind her as Matt burst through the batwing doors, and he was now using her as a shield. His left arm was wrapped tightly around her chest pinning her left arm to her side. The knife he was wielding in his right was pressed against her throat. He had a jagged-scar running down one side of his face.

He grinned maliciously at the Marshal. "Look, Bates, the law come to visit and he done busted Coat's head.

Bates said nothing, but aimed his gun directly at the lawman.

Matt, still holding his gun, ignored Bates and glared at the scar-faced man, "Let her go or I'll kill ya. I swear, I will."

"Sure you will," the scar-faced man snarled disdainfully. "You drop that gun, lawdog or I'll slit her throat and you can watch her bleed." His scarred face was even more distorted by the malevolent grin that he fixed on the Marshal. "There's still two of us and only one of you, case you can't count so good."

Buck could almost see Matt running his options through his head, and finding none to his liking.

Kitty pleaded, "Don't do it, Matt."

Scarface pressed his knife against her throat and a thin line of blood appeared. "Shut up, Red, iffen you want to see the next min…"

Matt interrupted. "Stop, I'm dropping it… just… don't hurt her. Nobody needs to get hurt." Matt tossed his gun on to the floor. Buck sure hoped that hadn't been a fatal mistake, but he also knew that Matt would play this out the best way he could to get Kitty away from those men unscathed.

"Now get your hands up."

Matt complied even as Buck heard shouts and boots on the boardwalk. The shot was drawing a crowd. Complications.

An increasingly agitated scarface ordered, "Get rid of em."

Matt, never taking his eyes off Kitty and the knife at her throat, mustered his Marshal's voice. "You men, back off. Clear the boardwalk." Buck could see that Matt was sweating, saw his relief as the men moved away. Then Newly was there, taking control of the situation outside, leaving Matt to take control of the situation inside.

"That's real good, lawdog. Now kick that gun over here."

Matt, on the edge of hyperventilating quickly complied, taking a step forward as he kicked the gun towards the scar-faced man.

Bates leaned over and picked it up never taking his eyes off the lawman. He quickly straightened up as he dropped the extra gun in his empty holster.

Buck saw Kitty catch Matt's eyes, her expression a mixture of love, regret, and fear, but her voice was steady. "I thought I told you, I never wanted to see you again."

"You did, Kitty." Another step forward.

Kitty added sadly, "You should have listened."

"Shut up, whore. I'm gonna learn you to keep that mouth shut," threatened scarface.

Matt tried to pull the attention back to him. "How about you let the lady go and just get on out of here and we'll forget the whole thing?" Another step forward.

"Lady?" scoffed the scarred man. "I don't think so. She's a whore and she owes me. She cut me." The man leaned over, licked at her ear and grinned lewdly at the Marshal . "Maybe we'll take you along, let you participate even."

Matt gritted his teeth, tried to control his breathing, and took another step forward. What little patience he had managed to garner was now exhausted. He was through with reason and his voice now had a threatening edge. "I'm warning you. Let. Her. Go."

The man with the gun hadn't said anything, but he was talking now. 'Law, stop right there or I'm gonna blow a hole in you. I got no use for your stinkin kind. C'mon, Clyde, let's get outta here while we still can."

Matt was close now, two, maybe three steps, but was he close enough? Clyde, apparently thinking Bates had the law at bay, started to move towards the door. Eyes glinting malevolently, he moved the knife from Kitty's throat, running it admiringly through her gleaming red hair, his fingers possessively clutching at her breast. "Let's go, red."

Matt, seeing his chance, charged the knife wielder, yelling, "Now, Kitty," hoping she would be prepared to take evasive action once he got scar-face off of her. Both of his hands locked around scar-face's wrist and Matt used his body as a barricade between the gunmen and Kitty while he pulled the knife away from her and up over the scar-faced man's head, literally yanking the man off his feet as Kitty slipped loose.

Unfortunately the man with the gun, although startled by the turn of events, had plenty of time to fire two shots into him before Matt was able to twist his body to the left yanking scar face into the path of the third and fourth bullets. Matt dropped the now limp body and before Bates could fire a fifth shot, plunged his left fist into the man's midsection and then as the man started to double over, Matt put every bit of his remaining strength and fury into delivering the powerful backhanded right for which he was famous. The force of the blow propelled the man backwards, his head striking the edge of the bar as he tumbled to the floor.

Matt stumbled, falling back against the bar, steadying himself with his right hand, his left gripping his side. Buck could see blood oozing out between his fingers. Too much blood. Buck had purposefully disobeyed Matt for the first time in his entire existence, and it looked like that decision could cost Matt his life. Buck now had first-hand experience with the kind of guilt that Matt carried and it hurt him more than he had ever imagined, with decisions came responsibility.

Matt painfully gasped. "Grab the guns, Doc. Get em all." Kitty rushed to support him as his knees buckled and he slowly slipped to the floor. His size made it impossible for her to do more than slow his collapse.

Buck exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he was holding as Kitty was pulled to the floor, still holding on to Matt. She struggled to drag his upper body into her lap, searching for the source of the blood that was soaking his shirt.

Somewhere in the back of his brain, Buck was vaguely aware of Doc gathering up all the guns as Matt had requested and then crouching down to examine Festus. He saw Sam struggling to his feet massaging the back of his head. But Buck's main focus was on Matt, willing him to live. He saw Matt reach his blood-covered left hand over and grasp Kitty's wrist and hand, pulling it towards his chest where he cradled it against his heart, next to his badge, heard him weakly ask her if she was all right.

Her eyes locked on his as she quickly assured him, "I'm fine… fine. They didn't hurt me at all."

Buck thought the pain in her eyes and voice gave lie to her declaration. He saw Matt's relieved smile as awareness slowly slipped from his features and he slumped in her arms. Buck whinnied softly. He had gotten Matt here in time to save Kitty, but at what cost. He inhaled deeply and released the breath in a long sigh of sadness. Buck was certain that Matt would approve the choice that he had made… to walk… such a little decision. Matt would unquestionably choose to trade his life for his beloved Kitty's. Had in fact just made that choice. Buck understood all of this in his head, but he wondered if his head could ever convince his heart. Buck would remember his one act of disobedience forever.

To be continued-


	8. Chapter 8

" _Dodge, it sure is a wild town… It's a good thing we got somebody around to pick up the pieces, somebody like Doc Adams. I'd hate to see anything happen to him. I need him too."_

Matt Dillon in "The Cow Doctor" -Season 2, episode 1. Written by John Dunkel (screen play) and John Meston (story). Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen.

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 8: Doc Takes Over

As the echo of the last shot faded, men, including Newly came streaming into the Long Branch.

Doc had tossed the gathered guns in a corner and was quickly checking Festus. Clearly stressed, he climbed to his feet and began issuing orders. "Newly, make sure these men aren't going to do any more damage and then see to Festus—It's just a graze, but, well, just see to it he's ok. And check Sam too. He's already conscious; but make sure he's ok, too."

Newly quickly responded, "I'll take care of them both, Doc. Festus is already starting to come around."

Doc was already rushing over to check on Matt when Kitty frantically shouted, "Doc, hurry, there's too much blood. You've got to do something." Doc crouched down on Matt's left side, opposite Kitty, and looked into her tear-filled eyes as he pried Matt's fingers open and gently freed her hand from Matt's grasp. He then ripped the unconscious man's blood-sodden shirt open revealing two bullet holes, one low in his left side and the other higher, near his rib cage, also on the left. Buck could see that blood was leaking from his human at an alarming rate. He saw Doc give Kitty a reassuring nod, but Buck was a student of human behavior and worry was plainly written across Doc's visage. Buck had hoped something significant would happen to keep Matt in Dodge. This wasn't exactly what he envisioned.

Doc stood up and looking around the room, quickly ordered, "Some of you men standing here gawking, pull some tables together and get him up there. Be careful with him."

"Kitty, can you get some of your girls to tear up some sheets and boil some water? I need to sterilize my instruments."

Buck knew that was a bad sign. If Doc was going to operate right there, Matt's condition must be critical. Buck's attention remained focused on Matt as, in the background, he heard Newly ask Burke and a couple of other men to cart the man Matt had pistol-whipped over to the jail, the one Buck thought of as the sniveling coward, the one who didn't want to go to prison. Buck vindictively hoped he went there for a really long time.

Newly then checked on the other two men, calling over to Doc, "This one's dead, Doc, broken neck. The other one's still breathing, but barely."

"I'll check on him, Newly. You run over to my office, get my anesthetizing kit, the ether, and a bottle of carbolic acid. Once you fellows get Matt up on the table, get his shirt, vest and belts off of him for me. Hurry.

Then, as his orders were carried out and true to his Hippocratic oath, Doc shuffled over to the scar-faced man and stooped over to see if there was anything to be done. Buck could see red frothy blood on the man's lips. Even Buck knew that was a sure sign the man was dying. But before he died, he grabbed Doc's coat sleeve with his bloodied hand. His face malignantly twisted with hate, he spat out his dying words "Rabid lawdog. I wish I'd a kilt him when I first laid eyes on him. I hope he rots in hell."

Doc stood, pulled free of the man's death grip and struggled out of his coat. Buck wondered if it was because of the heat or to rid himself of the scarred man's bloody handprint. Once free of the coat, Doc looked down at the second villain. A glance confirmed Newly's conclusion, the man's neck was definitely broken and he was very dead. Revulsion clearly showing on his features he ordered, "Somebody haul both of these… bodies over to Percy Crump's."

Festus and Sam were both on their feet, although both seemed a little woozy. Festus tied a rag around his head to stop the bleeding and both were doing what they could to help. Sam had moved all the lamps in close so Doc could see as well as possible. Meanwhile, Festus cleared the boardwalk of onlookers. No one had given much thought to Buck still standing near the hitching rail, so he continued his silent observation. The big security doors were left open to help battle the oppressive heat and to let in as much light as possible.

By now, the men had Matt up on the gambling tables with his upper body bared. Buck was distressed by the amount of blood on and pooling beneath the unconscious Marshal. Doc returned to Matt, "Whatever's causing all that bleeding, I have to get it stopped, now. Kitty, I'm gonna need you to apply pressure right here, while I get everything ready."

Kitty quickly complied, her eyes wide and filled with shock as the blood continued to leak from beneath her hand soaking the rag she held tightly against the wound.

Buck had vaguely been aware of Newly racing past him a few minutes earlier and running up to Doc's office, taking the steps two at a time. Now, Buck briefly shifted his focus from the scene in front of him to watch Newly make the return trip with the requested items clutched in his hands. Buck wondered, and not for the first time, why Doc's office wasn't on the ground floor.

Kitty, still trying to staunch the blood flow from Matt watched anxiously as Doc rolled up his sleeves and cleansed his hands and forearms before plucking his instruments from the boiling water and placing them in a dish of carbolic acid. "Hurry, Doc, you've got to hurry," she urged.

Doc was ready and outwardly calm as he directed, "Okay, Kitty you can let go now. I'm going to take over. Get set up and start delivering the ether. Newly, monitor his breathing and heart rate. "

Both of Doc's assistants had gone directly to work and Buck surmised that they knew their jobs well. Kitty had covered Matt's mouth and nose with the special mask and slowly dripped ether onto it. Then at Doc's order removed the mask. Doc would let her know if more were needed. As Doc worked, Newly provided him with updates on Matt's heart rate and breathing. Buck knew nothing of what was normal, but could easily tell that the numbers called out by Newly were concerning to Doc. Buck definitely knew that if your heart stopped beating or you stopped breathing, you were dead.

Doc was sweating profusely, the sweat sticking his white shirt to his body and dripping down his face. Kitty laid down the ether mask and took over the chore of mopping Doc's brow.

Buck tried to imagine what it must be like for Doc, to be the only one who could possibly save Matt and to know what the price of his failure would be. Buck knew the old doctor thought of Matt like a son. Buck decided it was too much to imagine. His own little decision to walk had given him enough of a taste of guilt.

Matt was still bleeding profusely and that was worrying Buck a lot. He also couldn't really see what Doc was doing, but he was a little shocked when Doc chose a sharp knife-looking thing as his first tool. Buck was thinking that Matt already had enough bleeding holes in his body. He stomped and snorted and tried to remind himself that Doc had pulled Matt through a lot of injuries and Matt had absolute faith in him.

Doc had been working in near total silence except for Newly's regular updates, when he sharply requested, "Newly, can you try to clean some of this blood away? I just can't see. I have to find that bleeder, or he's gonna die. Festus, hold one of those lamps close here."

Kitty continued to wipe the sweat beading on Doc's forehead. Buck could see that she tried to keep her eyes on Doc's face and to stay focused on keeping the sweat from dripping off of him. But every once in a while her eyes would involuntarily drop to see what Doc was doing. The sadness and fear that would paint her features in those moments as she watched Matt's life literally draining out of him twisted Buck's heart.

Buck could hear the stress in Doc's voice and watched as Newly shifted his position to try to comply with Doc's request and Festus grabbed one of the lamps and held it close to provide Doc with better light. Buck was alarmed as the stack of clean rags on the table shrunk and the stack of bloody rags on the floor grew.

Finally, Buck heard Doc's relieved exclamation, "I found it. Hand me a clamp." There was a collective sigh of relief from everyone in the room as the blood flow finally slowed. "Ok, Newly, start giving me updates again. Festus, keep that light steady." Doc reached for his suturing kit and smallest needle. "It's an artery, thank God not a major one. Looks like a splinter from the rib that bullet clipped might have ripped just a little tear in it. Just let me get the layers sewed together."

Everyone watched silently as Doc worked. Finally he straightened back up and breathed a sigh of relief. Buck saw him place the clamp back on the table. "Looks like the stitches are going… "

A panicked Newly interrupted, "Doc, he's not breathing."

Newly's announcement was met with stunned silence by everyone in the room except Festus who softly exhorted, "Get back in the buggy, Matthew, get back in the buggy."

Then Kitty, seemingly fractured from the stress, dropped the rag she was holding and grabbed onto Matt's shoulders and shook him, at least as much as a small woman could shake an unconscious 240 pound man. Simultaneously she shouted, "Damn you, Matt! If you're leaving, this isn't the way your gonna do it!"

Miraculously, everyone watched as Matt's chest again began to rise and fall. The breaths were shallow and slightly irregular, but they were there. There was some nervous and relieved tittering as Doc said, "Kitty, I wouldn't usually advise that approach, but I can't argue with the result. Now, lets see if we can get those bone splinters and bullets out without him losing too much more blood or doing him any more damage."

Buck sighed. He knew that if there was one thing Doc was really good at, it was removing bullets. He got a lot of practice in a town like Dodge.

Everyone returned to their assigned job as the clock on the Long Branch wall slowly ticked off the hours. Then, at last, Doc moved away from the table and announced, "I've done all I can. The bullets are out. That one couldn't have come any closer to his lung without killing him. He was awful lucky. " Doc scoffed as he continued, "If a man who manages to get himself hit with two bullets could be considered lucky. I had to make a mighty long incision to find that bleeder. We just have to watch him, and hope. He's lost an awful lot of blood, and that can cause complications, but he's strong, and he's big." Doc shook his head, concern evident on his features. "But, By Golly, if that bullet compromised the pleural cavity, his breathing could get worse fast. We're going to have to watch that."

Doc stepped back and picked up a clean wet rag and silently and methodically cleaned Matt's blood from his hands. Finally, Doc paused, and redirected his attention. "Festus and Sam, you both need to get some rest. If Kitty doesn't mind, I'd like you to bed down in one of the empty rooms upstairs so I can check on you from time to time. Head wounds can be serious things. And Newly you better go on over to the jail and check on your prisoner. Make sure he's still breathing. Matt busted his head pretty good. If you need me, let me know."

To be continued-


	9. Chapter 9

" _The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time_."

Frank Miller

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 9: Waiting

Buck watched and listened as the saloon slowly emptied leaving only Matt, Kitty, and Doc. He noticed that Newly paused to gather the bloody rags and take them away.

It was suddenly very calm and quiet in the Long Branch. Buck saw the pain cross Doc's face as he noticed the tiny jagged line of dried blood on Kitty's neck. He snatched one of the clean rags, put a little alcohol on it, and moved over next to her. "Kitty, just let me clean up that cut on your neck," he softly requested even as he gently cleaned off the blood. "It's just a tiny cut. It'll be fine. I'll put a small bandage on it." Doc carefully cut the exact size bandage and taped it in place. "Now, why don't you go on upstairs and rest? I know this has been awful hard on you. I'll keep watch and let you know if there's any change."

"Thanks, Doc. But I'm staying right here and keeping an eye on him. If he plans on leaving, I don't plan on letting him sneak out while I'm not watching."

"Kitty, Matt never meant to hurt you."

"Well he might not have meant it, but he sure did. Then he comes riding in here like some sort of knight on a white horse-well, buckskin horse-to rescue me, his damned damsel in distress."

Buck's ears perked up at that. Kitty was talking about him. Matt, a knight, and him, his faithful steed, together, rescuing a damsel in distress. Buck liked the sound of that. He thought it made him sound sort of heroic. He sure was glad Kitty remembered that it was him that brought Matt…not some white horse. He really couldn't imagine what she was thinking of…humph…white horse? Then Buck sobered, wondered what she would think of him if she knew it was his fault that Matt might die, that it was his decision that risked Matt's life to save her? Buck knew she would never have approved that choice, especially if Matt died.

A clearly exhausted Doc pulled out a chair at a table near Matt and lowered his weary bones into the seat, releasing an audible groan as he did so.

"Doc, you're the one who ought to get some rest. You have to be exhausted. You've been operating for hours."

"Kitty, I would, but I can't leave him. I'm going have to keep a close watch. He's hurt awful bad. I need to monitor his breathing, and, if he were to start bleeding again… Well, I need to be here. That's all." Buck watched as the old doctor shook his head and rubbed at his face and mustache. Buck thought those little habits were such a part of this man that Matt counted as one of his closest friends, a friend that was more like family. Buck just hoped the doctor had managed to save Matt, one more time.

Kitty stretched and rolled her shoulders. Then reached out to caress Matt's cheek, jerking her hand back as she saw that it was still covered with dried remnants of his blood. She looked down at her clothes and saw more of the same, saw Matt's bloody handprint on her sleeve. "Doc…"

Doc rose quickly thinking that something was wrong with Matt. Then seeing Kitty staring at the blood on her hands and clothing moved closer and gently grasped her arms. "Kitty, Kitty."

She looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes. "What if he dies, Doc? There was so much blood."

"We're just not gonna let that happen, Honey. I promise. You go upstairs. Wash up and put some clean clothes on. I'll stay right here, with Matt, until you get back. I won't take my eyes off him." He winked and nodded affirmatively. "I promise."

Kitty turned and slowly headed up the stairs. Buck saw Doc turn back to Matt, sigh and rub his mustache, shaking his head. Buck could see he was worried about keeping that first promise.

Kitty was soon back, the blood washed from her hands and a clean white blouse and dark blue skirt on. The blouse had a Victorian neck covering the bandage on her neck. Her hair was down and pulled back neatly. She had added the broach Matt had given her. She quickly hurried over to Doc who, true to his promise, was still standing guard over Matt's inert form.

Kitty conjured a smile for the old doctor, and Buck could see was working hard to stay calm and positive. "Doc, why don't you sit down and rest. Your back's got to be killing you. I'll get us both a cup of coffee and we can just sit here and rest a little bit?"

"That's a good idea, Kitty." Adding as he seated himself, "I am pretty tuckered out."

Buck watched as Kitty paused near Matt and gently ran her fingers through his unruly curls, then carefully smoothed them out before rearranging the sheet that covered his bare chest. "Doc, he's so still and pale. He looks almost like a ghost."

"Well, Kitty, he lost an awful lot of blood, just an awful lot. But he hung on through the surgery and we just have to keep it in our heads that he's gonna be fine. We just have to believe that."

"Yeah, Doc, that's what I keep telling myself, that he's gonna be fine." She then pulled herself straight, gently stroked Matt's bare shoulder and took a deep breath before moving to get the coffee she had promised Doc. Buck could hear her bustling around behind the bar before she finally returned with two cups of coffee, biscuits and butter, and joined the doctor at one of the tables.

Buck was thinking he was pretty hungry and thirsty himself, but he didn't want to draw their attention. He wasn't quite ready to be taken down to the stable. He couldn't help it if he was naturally curious, and he had to keep watch. Matt was, after all, his responsibility, and it was his fault he was here.

Kitty broke the silence. "You knew he was leaving, didn't you, Doc?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Kitty, I couldn't tell you. That was up to Matt. Besides, I kept hoping he'd change his mind, but he's so dadblamed stubborn. Once he makes up his mind… well, you might as well talk to a rock." Doc shook his head and sighed. Buck figured Doc was remembering some difficult conversations he'd recently had with Matt. "But, Kitty, honey, I can tell you this, Matt has his reasons, and to him, they're good reasons. I don't think he's right, but to him…well, he just didn't think he had a choice."

"Doc, after he got back from going after Bonner, he was different somehow. Not better or worse, just different. Best I could say is that he was sort of distant. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he wouldn't. You know how Matt is. Keeps things bottled up. Sometimes I think he's afraid if he starts talking about what's bothering him, he just won't be able to stop. He was around more than ever. Got so every time I turned around, I was tripping over him."

"Kitty, there's a lot of things Matt's got stuck in his head right now that are bothering him. And, on top of that, Matt's got rules he lives by, lines he lives inside. I don't understand them all the time, but I know they're real important to him. He's got definite ideas about what he should and shouldn't do. Maybe with a job like he's got, and all the killing and violence, he has to have those rules. You know he worries about crossing the line. That line's what he uses to distinguish himself from the gunmen, killers, and spoilers that he hates. Bonner almost pushed him over it. I don't know if he told you, but that's part of what's been bothering him. Not the biggest part, but part of it. He kind of lost himself for a while."

"He didn't tell me anything, Doc. I was so broken. Maybe he just didn't want to add to my pain. Maybe he didn't want to admit he'd been hurt. He's like that sometimes. Wants people to think nothing hurts him, that he doesn't have any feelings. Well, I know better Doc. He's got passion and feelings, and he hurts just like all of us. He just keeps those things hidden from most people."

"Kitty, I know that. That's all mostly about his badge and what he thinks a man ought to be. Then, when he comes up short of his own expectations, he takes that real hard. I've known Matt Dillon for even longer than you and he doesn't fool me one bit."

"I know, Doc. He underestimates what he means to his friends, to the town, and especially to me."

"Kitty, you remember that old woman, name of Amy that came to town. She walked in the Long Branch, pointed a gun at Matt and said she was gonna kill em. Damn fool just stood there and let her pull the trigger. Lucky for him the gun blew up in her hand or she probably would have killed him. Then he sat up all night in my office waiting to hear if she was going to be all right. Paid for her room and board over at Ma Smalley's while she recuperated too, but he didn't want me telling her where the money came from. Oh yeah, he's a real tough guy."

"I sure do remember that Doc. I was right there when it happened. It was real scary." A small smile graced Kitty's face easing tension lines that had taken residence there since Matt had been shot. "Matt always did have a soft spot for women. You know, Doc, I… I don't think I could have gotten past the things Bonner did to me without him. He was there for me. Of course, he's always been there when I really needed him. Maybe not for the Ford County Socials, but if I really needed him, he was there, like today." Kitty looked up and smiled at her curmudgeonly friend. "You know, Doc, you have some pretty tough rules you live by, too."

"Yeah, Kitty. Sometimes, being a doctor, you have to do things you don't want to do. That scar-faced fella. When Newly told me he was alive. Well, I just didn't want to even look at him. He was repulsive to me. I could hardly think of him as human. He died spewing hate. I'm ashamed, but I was glad I couldn't help him. I try to do what's right, Kitty, but a man thinks things sometimes that shame him. "

Doc paused and pulled himself up out of the chair and wandered over to check on Matt. Listened to his heart and breathing. "He's holding his own Kitty." He shook his head in near disbelief. Breathing's improving a little I think, heart's steady. Remarkable, really."

Buck had the feeling that, until that moment, Doc hadn't thought Matt had much of a chance at all.

Doc shuffled over to the bar and refilled his cup and then went back and joined Kitty. "But, Kitty, when I think how today could have turned out… what if I could have helped that scar-faced fella? What if he needed me, and Matt was there, bleeding out? What would the right thing be for me to have done? Or imagine if he'd killed Matt, but he was still alive? I'm a doctor and I would have been bound to help him. But I just don't know if I could have done that. I guess a man lives his life one day at a time and just does his best each day to be the man he wants to be, the man he thinks he is."

"Curly, I think you did everything just right today." For just a moment, Buck saw a look of complete desolation cross her face. "But, Doc, I just can't handle imagining if he'd killed Matt, and it's even worse when I think that it would have been because of me."

"I'm sorry, Kitty. I don't know what I was thinking saying something like that to you."

"That's all right, Doc. I know you had a real hard day. I kept thinking today, what if you hadn't been here. When I saw all that blood, I was awful scared, and then, when Matt stopped breathing, I just thought I was losing him. But there's just no sense wondering about what you might have done if things had been different. I just thank God things weren't worse than they were. And you're right, we each have to do our best to be the man… or woman, we want to be. Some days it's real hard."

Buck had been listening intently, and he couldn't help but wonder if Kitty and Doc were both remembering the day Bonner had come to town. Buck had heard all about how she had walked right down the stairs in the Long Branch and surrendered herself to evil, head held high, she had looked Jude Bonner in the eye and told him she was the lady he was looking for. It was the stuff of legends. Then when Bonner had laughed and said, 'I might have known I'd find the Marshal's lady in a sportin palace,' she'd slapped him. Buck couldn't imagine the courage it took for her to purposefully turn herself over to Bonner. Like his rider, Kitty had a lot of honor and courage. Honor had a high price, and she'd paid it.

"Dadblame it though, Kitty, things sure could have gone bad today, so many things. What if I'd been gone. Those men… well… when I walked in here this morning, I was on my way out to the Donaldson's place to check on little Billy and make sure his arm was healing ok. I was just stopping in here to check up on you. Make sure you were doing ok. I'd heard what happened with you and Matt." Folks been talking about it." He smiled and nodded his head. "I guess you gave it to him with both barrels."

"Well, Doc, I was real hurt and…"

Doc put his hand up, forestalling any further explanations. "Kitty you don't have to explain yourself to me. As far as I'm concerned he deserved everything you said. Matt came by last night to say goodbye." Doc paused and swiped at his eyes. "Told me he was riding out this morning and he mentioned you being real upset with him. He felt bad about how you found out he was leaving. He wanted to go by and see you, but he had an idea that it might be better if he just left. He thought you'd be safer with people thinking you hated him."

"Dammit, Doc. Sometimes I wish I did hate him. What does he wanna do, put me in a velvet-lined box for safe keeping? He can be a hard man to love, ya know."

"Yeah, he gets some crazy ideas in his head sometimes." Doc paused to shake his head and scrub at his face and mustache. "And he can be awful hard to reason with, but I don't know a better man to have around when the chips are down."

"Yeah Doc. I have to agree with ya on all counts." Kitty chuckled and then sighed. "He means a lot to me. You know that."

"You betcha, I know that Kitty." Doc gave her a half-wink, half-squint. "Don't you be telling him, but I've gotten kind of used to having him around myself."

Kitty gave Doc a special smile that she always saved just for him. "I'm afraid it's a little late to close the barn door on that secret, Curly."

Doc scoffed. "Anyways, like I was saying, when I saw those men, I was scared, well terrified, for you, and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop em. I figured Matt had already left town. And then Festus came barging in here shouting, 'Doc, Doc.' They could have killed him, Kitty. If that bullet had been a fraction of an inch to the left, or if his head hadn't been quite so hard, he would have been a dead man. Funny, how things work out though. The gunshot that took Festus down was probably what brought Matt."

"Yeah, I know, Doc. Both of them could have died this afternoon saving me from one of the ghosts from my past, a particularly evil ghost." Kitty looked despondently over at Matt's still form. "One of them still might."

To be continued-


	10. Chapter 10

" _By golly, Jim, I'm beginning to think I can cure a rainy day!"_

Dr. McCoy, _Star Trek: The Original series, "The Devil in the Dark"_

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 10: Miracles and Stubborn Foolishness

"Now, Kitty, Don't be thinking things like that. You know better than most that Matt's a survivor. And another thing, neither one of them would regret dying to save you. You know that. It might be a hard thing for you to accept, but that's the fact of it."

Kitty sighed and took a small sip of her coffee. "I do know, and I don't like it. Matt was so focused on saving me, he forgot I needed him to look out for himself, too. Doc, do you know why Matt's leaving?" Kitty paused and took a deep breath. "Like I said, he's been around more than ever, attentive even, but as I started feeling better, I felt like he was keeping a space between us. I didn't think too much about it at first. I knew he was working through some things. But, then… when I heard he was leaving Dodge, well, I couldn't help but think…"

Buck watched the tears building in Kitty's eyes. Finally, she continued. "Doc, you know I love him, and I need him. He's a big part of my life. And he told me he needed me. How can he just… leave?"

"I can't answer that question, but Matt's gonna be stuck here a good long time recovering. I figure you can pester him till he tells you. I'll tell you something though, Kitty. His body might have been riding out of Dodge, but he was leaving his heart right here with you."

Kitty sighed. "Thanks, Doc, for that. Look, you're exhausted. Why don't you go lay down on the cot? I'll go up and check on Festus and Sam, and then I'll sit with Matt. I'll call you if there's any change at all. You'll be able to be here in less than a minute."

"Thanks, Kitty. Matt's breathing keeps improving and I was real worried about that. It was a mighty long day though, and if anything does happen, it would be good if I had some rest before I deal with it."

With Doc resting on the cot in the storeroom, Buck watched as Kitty kept her lonely vigil over the man she loved. She rearranged his curls, brushing them back and then giving him a gentle kiss. She then tousled them again, leaving them scattered across his forehead. She smiled. "Your hair's getting a little long. I guess you've been too busy to get a haircut." She sighed and sank down on the chair next to him. "You sure can be a mystery, Matt. I love you, and I need you, and I just can't understand why you're leaving me. When I try to come up with reasons… well, I just don't much like the reasons I come up with. But I tell you, Cowboy, if you're set on leaving, you got to promise me, it'll be riding out of town on Buck. You can't leave me like this, crying at your side and not even knowing why you wanted to go." Then she just sat there, watching Matt breathe, the steady rhythm giving hope and comfort. eventually she reached out and grasped his huge hand in her much smaller ones. Buck couldn't help but think, and not for the first time, that Matt was a fool to think of leaving this woman.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kitty was asleep in the chair next to Matt's right side, her head resting near his arm, one hand holding on to his arm, and the other holding his hand, her fingers entwined with his. Buck thought Matt was an incredibly fortunate man to be so loved by this woman.

It was dark now, and while there were still people out on the streets, since Festus had asked them to clear the boardwalk all those hours ago, they had been careful to keep their distance from the Long Branch. Maybe by morning they would know something for sure. Buck didn't think anyone would be taking him down to the stable until then. Buck drifted into a light sleep. The hours of the night were slowly passing.

It was the small hours of morning when Kitty called out to Doc, rousing Buck from his light sleep. He watched the rumpled doctor emerge from the storeroom and hurry over to his patient.

"Doc, he's regaining consciousness. I'm worried about him moving. These tables aren't that stable."

"I know Kitty, but I just didn't dare move him right after the surgery. Just keep talking to him. Try to keep him calm. I know he's going to be in a lot of pain if he comes around. I have a light dose of laudanum ready, but I don't want to give it to him if I don't absolutely have to. I'm still worried about his breathing.

Buck could see that Kitty was whispering to his injured human, but he couldn't hear what she was saying. Whatever it was, Matt was calming. Then he stilled. Buck wasn't sure if he was sleeping or had lapsed back to unconsciousness until Doc answered that question for him.

"He's unconscious again, Kitty, but that's probably for the best. He needs time to heal. I just don't want him moving around. He can't afford to pull out any of those stitches I put inside of him."

Matt remained quiet for most of the remainder of the night, awakening only a few times. Just once had he spoken and that was a single word, 'Kitty,' before he again slipped into his unconscious slumber.

The sun was peeping over the horizon before Matt seemed to fully rouse from his unconscious state and take note of his surroundings. Kitty anxiously hurried to his side, Doc quickly joining her to place his thumb and two fingers on Matt's wrist to check his pulse. Matt peered groggily around the Long Branch in confusion. "What the hell…" he asked, grimacing as he coughed painfully, before taking a shallow breath and hoarsely inquiring, "What am I doing…laid out on these… gaming tables?"

Kitty gently rubbed Matt's bare arm as her tearful eyes met Doc's, relief evident in her exhausted features now that her man was awake and talking. She countered with a tender smile, laying a cool hand against his stubbly cheek, "Well, cowboy, I did warn ya, if you ever came back in here you'd be shot, now, didn't I?"

The corners of Matt's mouth turned up in the smallest of smiles, and he lay his hand on top of hers, managing a whisper of a laugh. "You did, Kitty. You did." Matt carefully scrutinized her. "You're all right?"

"Yeah, Matt, I'm just fine…now."

Buck watched as Doc hovered over Matt, listening to his heart and taking his pulse, all those doctor things he liked to do when Matt was hurt. Finally Doc looked up from his examination and smiled. "I think, Matt, if you precisely follow all the instructions from your very exceptional personal physician, you might live. Of course, if you start moving around, and fall off this…operating table…well that could change everything."

"Well now, Doc, I'll just try not to do that, but you know, this isn't exactly the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in."

Kitty laughed, her relief at having Matt back just busting free. Buck had missed that hearty, cheerful sound and bet Doc and Matt had as well. "I have to agree with you there, Cowboy. These tables weren't designed for sleeping."

Buck could see and feel that Matt was hurting pretty badly. He could see it in the tightness of his eyes and the set of his mouth. Buck guessed Kitty saw the same thing because she said, "Doc, can you give him some laudanum, for the pain, now?"

"Sure thing, Kitty. I'm measuring it out right now. Matt, you take this and rest, and we'll get you moved to a more comfortable bed."

Matt swallowed the offered dose of laudanum and was soon still again. His lack of argument an indicator of the level of pain he was feeling. Kitty smiled affectionately at the little boy face of disgust he had made at the taste. Buck figured he was sleeping and that was a step towards recovery.

Doc looked over at Kitty, and shook his head, a happy smile of disbelief lighting his features. "You know Kitty, that man must have the constitution of an ox. Him awake and talking, it's practically a miracle. Yesterday morning, when I saw all that blood… It was overwhelming, scared me. And, it just got worse, not being able to find that bleeder, and the bullet so close to his lung." Doc shook his head and clicked his tongue. "I was afraid he was gonna die, and a part of me just wished I wasn't there at all. I didn't want to be the one… Well, I just couldn't face losing him. My goodness, Kitty, I must be a mighty fine surgeon, and heaven must have been smiling on us, too."

Kitty gave him a beaming smile and hug. "Doc, you know you're the best. I knew if anyone could save him, you would."

"By Golly, Kitty, a day like today makes me feel like I could almost cure a rainy day."

Buck felt his heart bursting with happiness from just watching them.

The two of them were just standing there grinning at one another when Festus came jangling down the stairs looking a lot better than he had the previous afternoon.

"Did I hear ole Matthew talking?"

"You sure did," responded Kitty. "But Doc gave him some laudanum and he's sleeping again. Doc thinks he's gonna be all right though."

"Well, that's puradee good news, Miss Kitty." It was at that point that Festus glanced out the saloon doors and saw Buck still standing there. "I'm ah seein poor ole Buck standin out there still a wearin his saddle and all Matthew's gear. I'm gonna take him on over ta the stable and see to it he gets took good care of. I shoulda seen to him last night, for Matthew, but my thinkin was kinda cloudy. I'll be back to help quicker'n you can say uh rat run over the roof uh the house with a piece uh raw liver…"

"Well, you just do that, Festus," interrupted a cranky sounding Doc, "But on your way back, how about you get Newly, and round up maybe four or five more fellas to help move Matt off these tables?"

"Sure thing, you old quackity quack. Good thing Matthew's tough, or I don't know how he'd live through your doctorin." Then Festus pushed through the saloon doors with a grin on his face, leaving Doc to splutter in his wake. "C'mon, Buck, it looks like it's gonna be a fiddlesome day. Matthew's doin some better."

Buck took one more long look inside the saloon as Festus picked up his dangling reins and pulled him down towards the stable. It would be good to get this saddle and gear off, and get something to eat and drink. But he already missed Matt, and he had a feeling it was going to be a long time before he saw him again.

And it was—three weeks and two days to be exact, and two more weeks after that before Matt was fit to ride. But while Buck was lonely, he didn't mind the wait too much as he was just powerful glad to know he would be seeing Matt again. He had come exceedingly close to losing him, and not only would Matt have been gone, but Buck would have known that it was his fault. He was going to be extra careful about doing exactly what Matt wanted from now on. Decision-making was more responsibility than this horse wanted.

Kitty seemed to know Buck was lonely while his rider was laid up. He and Kitty had a connection. She would come down to the stable at night to talk to him. She usually bought him a treat and would talk to him about Matt's progress and sometimes share her own happinesses and heartaches. Matt was Buck's human, but sometime he thought Kitty understood him better. She seemed to know that he worried, and that, even if he was just a horse, he had feelings.

One important visit occurred about two weeks after Matt had been shot. She brought Buck an apple, which was a rare treat indeed, and let him know that Matt was finally up out of bed, and Doc was letting him walk around the Long Branch a little bit. Doc still wanted him to take it easy, but he was definitely getting stronger. She had smiled as she told him, "Buck, you know he's a hard man to keep down." But, despite the smile, Buck could tell she was sad. She patted his neck and scratched behind his ears. He loved being scratched behind his ears, especially by Kitty. She knew the exact perfect spot to scratch.

Finally, she told him that while she was glad Matt was getting better, the more strength he regained, the more she feared he was going to leave her. All that time he had been recuperating at the Long Branch, she hadn't been able to get him to tell her why he was leaving. As she told Buck, and as he well knew, Matt had an unparalleled ability to ignore direct questions. Buck had seen tears in her eyes as she told him that Matt was well enough now to move upstairs to a real bed, but he had insisted on continuing to sleep on the uncomfortable and too small cot in the storeroom. He had mumbled something about not feeling up to climbing the stairs.

Even though Kitty hadn't specified, Buck knew exactly whose real bed she had in mind. He might only be a horse, but he hadn't just been born yesterday, and he sure hadn't been born in the dark. There were definitely some decisions that Matt made that even a smart horse like him couldn't fathom.

Kitty had leaned against his shoulder and gently rubbed his nose as she shared her hidden pain. Buck's heart broke that he couldn't fix this for her. He wished he could tell that stubborn human of his just how wrong-headed his thinking was.

It looked like nothing had change. Matt getting shot had been more than a significant event, but it hadn't changed a thing. It only seemed to have delayed Matt's plans to leave. Kitty was sad, and Buck was sad. Buck didn't want to leave with Matt anymore than Kitty wanted Matt to leave without her. Buck tried not to be judgmental about his human's choices, especially now that he'd his own taste of decision-making. But Buck just couldn't help but think that Matt's continued insistence on leaving was just stubborn foolishness.

It was only a little over a week later that Matt had come to see him. He was pale, and Buck could see that the walk to the stable had tired him some, but mostly he looked good and Buck could tell he was going to be just fine. Buck could also tell that Matt was sad. Seemed like everyone was sad and it was Matt's fault. Unlike Kitty, Matt rarely talked to him, but he enjoyed Matt's silent companionship. Even without words, Buck knew Matt was wrestling with the reality of leaving when he was healed. Buck had hoped that Matt would change his mind while he recuperated, but that hadn't happened. At least not based on what Kitty had told him. Matt was stubborn. Even Ruth couldn't out stubborn Matt. And that was saying something.

After that first visit, Matt came to see him everyday. Each day, Buck could see that he was stronger. Another week passed and Buck was aware that Matt was back doing his rounds. Matt was visiting twice a day, after his morning rounds and before his evening rounds. His gun was back on his hip. Then, after the second week of visits, Matt had shown up in the predawn and had ridden him out to Pawnee Creek again, and watched the sun rise over the prairie. Matt's comforting presence was with him, but Buck could sense great sadness in him. Buck knew Matt was thinking the time had come to leave.

To be continued-


	11. Chapter 11

" _There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt."_

William S. Burroughs

 **Horse Sense and Heart Sense**

By GunShy

Chapter 11: Logic and Love

The next morning, Matt and Kitty both showed up in the predawn hours. Buck was surprised to see Kitty up so early, but was well aware that even late-risers sometimes dragged themselves out of bed to watch the miracle of a new day beginning. Matt saddled him first, and then Kitty's sorrel, and then they took an early morning ride together out to Pawnee Creek. Matt helped Kitty down and spread a blanket next to his favorite cottonwood tree. Then he and Kitty sat with their backs against the rough trunk and watched as the sun crested the horizon and the darkness of night was replaced by the bright promise of a new day.

Buck saw that Matt was totally focused on Kitty. Buck could see the love in Matt's eyes as he watched the first rays of the sun sparkle in her sapphire eyes and turn her hair to flames. At odds with the love in his eyes was the rigidity in his posture. Matt was being very careful to not touch this woman whom he so clearly loved. Kitty also was stressed, but unlike Matt, she kept her eyes focused on the sun rising over the prairie. The magnificent beginning of a new day did nothing to reduce the tension between the two humans Buck cared so much about.

It was Matt that finally broke the slightly uncomfortable silence. "Kitty, you know, I was leaving… the day I got shot."

Kitty took a deep breath. Buck could tell she wasn't looking forward to the conversation. "Yeah, Matt, I've tried to talk to you about it."

"I know. I'm ready to talk now."

A sad sigh. "Well, I'm listening."

Matt plucked a long stem of foxtail grass. Tied it in a knot and watched it break when he pulled it too tight. "I'm pretty much recovered. I figure it's time I left." He shifted his gaze from the broken stem to the seemingly unending prairie. "I got a telegram offering me a transfer to Colorado."

Kitty looked over towards Matt, tried to make eye contact with him, but Matt's eyes were focused out on the far horizon. It was almost as if he had already left her. "I already know that, Matt. Telegram came in yesterday at 3:00.

With a sardonic look, Matt shook his head and rolled his eyes heavenward. "I don't have many secrets, do I?"

"Like I told you, Matt Dillon leaving Kansas is big news, and this time you didn't even bother to ride to Spearville." She gave him a cool stare. "But you still have some secrets and I think I have a right to them. Why? Why are you leaving me?"

It was Matt's turn to take a deep breath. Buck could tell he was struggling with what he wanted to say. Matt wasn't good with words. Finally, he blurted out, "I want you to be safe."

Buck snorted. No one was safe from life's tragedies. Living was risky. Buck was near certain that Matt knew that very well. Few people led a riskier life than Matt, and Buck knew more than most about the pain those risks had brought Matt… and Kitty. Buck also understood that the risks of Matt's job might extend to the ones he loved. But few men were more skilled with fists and weapons than Matt Dillon, and few men were more selfless. Buck figured any man, woman, or child would be safer with Matt as a friend… or lover, than without him. Not for the first time, Buck wondered when Matt was going to realize that. Buck sure wished he could explain things to this stubborn human he owned.

Kitty looked perplexed. "Nobody's safe, Matt. Nobody."

"I know," responded Matt. "But, I don't want it to be my fault."

"You're not making any sense."

Buck could tell Matt was having a very hard time explaining himself. Buck figured that was partly because Matt didn't like talking, especially about feelings, and partly because his logic was so flawed by guilt. Buck couldn't count the number of times people told Matt that he wasn't making sense and he figured there were a lot more times when folks thought it, but kept it to themselves. Matt really needed to work on his communication skills.

Seeming to carefully consider his next words, Matt shifted his gaze and looked straight into the arresting depths of Kitty's fathomless blue eyes. He was momentarily ensnared. "I love you." Matt blinked, severing the connection, and then returned to contemplating the distant prairie. "That's why I have to go."

"Matt, I just don't get that. When I woke up, I was broken; I needed you. Oh, I knew you'd go after Bonner, no matter what. And as angry as I was to be left alone, I was even more afraid you wouldn't be coming back. Then I saw that damn badge lying on the table. It was like you'd gone to battle without your shield. I knew what that meant, and I was sure the dog soldiers would kill ya. By then, it was too late for me to die. I was alive and alone. Maybe you were dead and didn't need me. But I sure as hell still needed you and a dead hero isn't much comfort."

Matt remained focused on the distance, his face an impassive mask. "I'm more sorry than I can tell, Kitty. I know I messed up. I was wrong, and I sure as hell wasn't a hero. Matt dropped his focus to the ground then back to the far horizon. I loved you and I hated them, and I focused on the wrong thing."

"But, Matt, you came back, and you were there for me in every way I needed. I don't think I could have put the pieces of me back together without you. Then, when I found out you were leaving-from that cowboy passing through from Spearville, I thought… Matt, I didn't want your," she spat out the last word, "Pity."

Matt pulled his gaze from the prairie, focused on Kitty, confusion plain on his features. "My pity?"

"We haven't been together since… since before Bonner. I wasn't ready for a long time and you never pushed and I appreciated that. But, after a while, it wasn't me anymore that was keeping us apart. There was some kind of invisible wall between us. You wouldn't let me close, and at first I just thought you needed time to get things straight in your head." Kitty paused and dropped her eyes, seeming to suddenly find her hands fascinating. She twisted her ring, slipping it on and off her finger. Finally she raised her eyes. "Then when I found out you were leaving, I thought… maybe you didn't want me anymore, that you thought I was used, that I was second-hand goods. I thought you were being " _nice"_ to me because you felt guilty."

Matt had waited patiently. It was clear to him that what she had to say was going to be painful. But when he heard her say that he thought she was 'used, second-hand goods,' he lurched to his feet, leaving Kitty sitting alone by the cottonwood. Buck could see the tension in his face and shoulders. Buck remembered Matt's hurt when Doc asked him something similar and he knew _her_ thinking that had cut the lawman deep.

Matt walked over, patted Buck's shoulder and fiddled a bit with his mane, pulling out some tangles. Buck ducked his head to nudge gently at Matt. Buck knew Matt drew comfort from him. It was part of the bond between them. Not much talking, but Buck knew Matt felt as strongly bonded to him as he was to Matt. Buck wished he could give him advice instead of just comfort.

Finally Matt spun around, facing Kitty. Buck could hear the pain in Matt's voice as he asked, "How could you think that?" Matt shook his head in disbelief, raked his hands through his hair leaving the curls in disarray. "I must be even more of a bastard than I imagined. I will always want you. I'll never stop wanting."

Kitty still sat leaning against the cottonwood, her posture rigid. There were tears building in her eyes now as she tried to understand. "What was I supposed to think? You were leaving and I needed a reason."

"Mmmhmm."

Buck shook his head. Matt could be very aggravating.

Kitty waited patiently, but wasn't surprised when nothing more seemed forthcoming. She needed an answer. "So why do you have to leave?"

Matt sighed and moved closer to her and finally dropped back on the ground next to her. He knew he needed to fix at least this one thing. He couldn't leave her thinking that. "I wouldn't be strong enough to leave. If we…" He shook his head. "I couldn't."

So Kitty had an answer to one question, but still no answer to why he was leaving. "Matt, I don't want you to go." Emboldened by the knowledge that he still wanted her, Kitty reached over, tried to pull him into her embrace.

Matt shook off her embrace, climbed back to his feet determined to keep the wall he'd built between them intact. He walked the few feet to where Buck still stood, and needlessly adjusted the buckles on his saddle. Buck could tell he was avoiding her touch, still determined to leave. Finally, Matt swallowed and turned back towards her. Kitty was openly crying now, hurt by his clear rejection, tears flowing down her cheeks. Matt moved forward to comfort her, but stopped himself from sitting next to her again. Buck knew he was trying to keep his distance, fighting to stick to his plan.

But at the same time Matt could see he was hurting her. He didn't want that. He'd had enough of hurting her; he had to make her understand that he was leaving for her own good. "Because of me, bad things happen to you. Because I love you, bad things happen to you. I tried so hard not to love you, but we both know how that worked out."

"Matt, bad things happen to everyone. It's not your fault."

"How could you say that, Kitty? Bonner took you because I love you. There was no other reason. You know that. He wanted to hurt me, not you. Somehow, I should have protected you. How can you ever forgive me?"

"Matt there is nothing to forgive. It wasn't your fault."

"Everything he did to you, he did to hurt me, every single horrible thing. And he did hurt me, Kitty. No one ever hurt me the way he did. He hurt you so terribly and I… I know I'm weak, but the things he did to you, hurt me here." Matt hit his chest with his fist. "I wasn't even there and he hurt me so much. I hated him for what he did to you, to us. Hate ruins a man. I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. I wanted to look into his eyes and watch the light go out. Nothing else mattered to me, not even living. Then, when I didn't kill him, I felt so empty. There was nothing left inside me but guilt and pain because of what I cost you and what I almost did. I hurt so bad." He looked into her eyes, trying to make her understand. "It was all my fault. I brought Bonner to you because I was weak and couldn't stay away from you… and I knew it was dangerous."

"Matt…"

"No, Kitty, there's nothing you can say. He took you because I love you. He took you just because you were 'my woman'… as if you ever belonged to anyone."

"Matt..."

"Kitty. I've gone over it and over it. I'm a danger to anyone I care about. I can't risk you. I won't. Not again."

Buck was remembering how Kitty had said she thought Matt was worried, that if he ever started talking about the things he kept bottled up inside, he wouldn't be able to stop. Buck was thinking that's what had just happened.

Kitty wiped her tears away. Buck could see that she finally understood. Buck knew she was very familiar with Matt's belief that as a lawman, he had no right to family or love and that he had an over-developed sense of responsibility which led him to take the blame for things he couldn't control. Bonner had hurt her horribly. She had wanted to die.

And he had hurt Matt, too—more than she had realized. She could see now that Matt didn't want to risk being hurt like that again. For him, risking his life was easy, but he was afraid to risk her, or his heart. But she wasn't running away and she wasn't going to let Matt run either.

It was clear to her now that she had been so wrong in thinking Matt didn't want her. He was leaving for the same old tired reasons she had heard so many times. Buck watched as the desolation on her face was replaced by a calculating look. Buck figured things were about to get interesting and nobody knew Matt Dillon better than Kitty Russell.

She looked up at him. He was close now, towering over her. "Matt, how did you get shot?"

Matt stepped back from her giving her a confused look, trying to follow the abrupt change in the direction of the conversation. "Kitty, you were there. I figure you already know the answer to that question."

"Yeah, but I want to hear how you saw it."

"Not much to it really. I heard a shot coming from the Long Branch. I went to investigate. Those men were trying to take you; I had to stop it. I am the law in Dodge after all. I guess I should have moved a little faster when that fellow pointed a gun is all."

"Matt, how many men would have stood there and taken those bullets while they wrestled a knife away from a man threatening a whore?"

Matt's blue eyes darkened and flashed with momentary anger as he responded, "You know, I hate that word. You're not a…. You're a lady." Buck couldn't help but notice that Matt had again avoided answering the question she had asked. It was a special talent that Matt had that never ceased to amaze him.

"That's what you see, Matt, but a lot of men see a woman in a saloon, and, to them, that means she's a whore. You almost died because a man from my past wanted revenge. Do you think I should leave Dodge so you'll be safe?"

"Kitty, I wish you would stop using that word, and you're being ridiculous." Matt should his head in disbelief. "It's not the same at all. I'm the Marshal."

"No, Matt, I'm not being ridiculous." She glared defiantly at him. "You took an unreasonable risk to save me and, even worse, you made no effort to keep yourself safe. I hated that, Matt. I need you with me."

"Look, Kitty. I told you. I'm a U.S. Marshal and it's my job to risk my life for the safety of the citizens. You know that." Buck could tell Kitty was pushing Matt into an area he didn't want to go. He took a physical step backward, bumping against Buck's shoulder and neck. He reached around and ran his hand down Buck's jawline. Buck turned his head towards his rider and gave him a comforting little bump with his nose.

"Yeah, sure, Matt. I know all about that badge and the responsibilities that come with it. So how many times have you been hurt breaking up fights in the Long Branch, making sure I was safe?"

"I don't know, Kitty. I don't keep count. I break up fights in all the saloons in Dodge. It's just my job."

Kitty took an exasperated breath, decided to try a different tack. Doc was right; arguing with Matt was like talking to a rock. "You were on your way out of town the day those men came, weren't you? Leaving for good?"

"Yeah."

"What would have happened if you had left town earlier?"

"I almost did."

Buck saw Matt's eyes narrow as he turned his head to look him in the eye. For one brief moment, their gazes met, then Buck looked away. He had a sudden interest in a particularly juicy tuft of grass. Matt shook his head as if dismissing a particularly crazy notion that had just flitted though his brain. He pulled his focus back to Kitty and explained, "I was…delayed."

"And what would have happened? If you hadn't been delayed?"

Matt moved away from Buck, lowered himself back down and again leaned against the cottonwood. He looked over at Kitty. "You don't hate me, or at least blame me, for what Bonner did to you?"

Kitty smiled enigmatically. Buck figured she must think she had Matt where she wanted him now. Answer or no answer, even the stubborn Marshal Matt Dillon could see what would have happened if he had left town earlier.

"No. Matt, you can't take responsibility for the evil that other men do." She reached over taking his hand in both of hers, rubbing it gently.

Matt swallowed, glanced down at his large hand wrapped in her smaller ones, and allowed it.

"Matt, do you hate me because a man from my past who was looking for revenge almost killed you?"

"Of course not. I already told you, I was doing my job. I just should have done it a little better."

"Matt, nobody's safe in this world. Life is full of risk. We both know that."

He pulled his hand back. "Kitty, risk-taking is my job. I know that, but when my risks impact your safety…"

Kitty recaptured his hand, interlacing her fingers with his and reached up with her other hand and put a finger on his lips. "Shhhhh, Matt. I'm trying to tell you. I feel a lot safer having you around." She caressed his cheek and gently turned his head until his gaze rested on her face. "Matt Dillon, who'd look out for me if you weren't here?"

Matt looked at her, but seemed momentarily rendered speechless.

Kitty slowly leaned closer, pillowing her head against his arm and then slowly dropped her hand from his face to rest on his chest. "Matt, hold me. I miss you."

Buck raised his head from the grass, paused in mid-chomp, and watched as Matt involuntarily leaned into the comfort of her touch. Buck could see Matt battling with his feelings, breathing seemed to suddenly be a challenge for him, but ultimately his will surrendered and his heart ruled. Even his stubbornness was no match for her logic, and his overwhelming love for everything about her. Matt couldn't resist her. He reached over and pulled the woman he adored into his strong embrace, and she stretched to reach around his broad chest, holding him tightly. He nuzzled her hair and inhaled her scent. She reached up, pulling his head down and capturing his lips in a long, loving kiss. Matt rolled over reversing their positions, his larger form protectively hovering over her. "Woman, the things you do to me." He looked into her sapphire eyes and was lost, captured in their depths.

"I love you, Kitty Russell."

Apparently judging words as inadequate for the moment, she pulled him down into a second, more passionate kiss.

Buck nickered softly and returned to his grazing, chomping and munching the sweet grass. Everything was going to be fine. It didn't look like they were going to be leaving Dodge after all. And not that he was an arrogant horse, but he really was brilliant. He'd figured this out weeks ago, although he had nearly lost hope that these two humans would ever understand the truth of it. Humans were complicated. He chewed another mouthful of delicious moist green grass. It was good to be a horse.

The End


End file.
